Just Grab an Oar

Posted on June 29, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I wrote recently on the collision of worlds created by marriage, and about the need to shift priorities, quite radically, to come to a fulfilling place. I would like to extend that discussion into the workplace and kick it around a bit. The “collision of worlds” in the workplace happens in the context of team environment – new employees joining, promotions, new projects etc, where people have to work together with people they are not necessarily aligned with.

I guess these thoughts probably also apply to sports team, social teams, communities and other places where team work is required to get things done!

Remember that old saying “Lead, follow, or get out of the way”?

I often come across teams that are dysfunctional to various degrees, and one of the commonalities between them all, is the presence of too many supposed leaders – or at least, too many ideas about where to go or how to get there. I am not talking about the “leader” leader, the person responsible for the team… I am talking about the other “leaders”, the ones whose actual job is to follow, but they have a desire to do more than that, for good or not-so-good reasons…

No matter the structure of a team, from militaristic to self regulated, there is person, or a system, that creates a set of values and priorities for that team. Those values and priorities are not easily re-negotiable, for good reason. They are the team fundamentals. They may never even have been discussed, or agreed formally, but they are there, and they are central to team effectiveness.

When people are placed on a team, there are the usual set-up dynamics (Tuckman’s “Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing” or whatever theoretical construct we want to use) and the team is supposed to get through to the Performing stage. And then add value.

This requires that people are comfortable with designated roles, but the most common trend I find is that people ACT happy with their roles, but there is a great deal of deep seated discomfort, and people always try to manoeuvre back to the kind of role they believe they should have. This is where the difficulties can arise.

Hence my title : “Just Grab an Oar”.

To be effective in our employment, we need to be good team players. I can’t and won’t speak for the politicians amongst us, who power monger their way up the ladder – quite frankly power-mongering disgusts me. But that is not to say workplace politics per se is wrong – it is not. It is very necessary. But it is not “power-mongering”. It is influencing, yes, but it is honest and based in performance and trust, not deception.

If you want a reason to be a good team player, just read any biography of a respected leader. There was a time, when they were not the leader. Almost without fail, part of their current or eventual success was the fact that they knew, or learnt, how to follow effectively.

What is a corporate team player? And I mean one whom I believe stands the best chance of advancing based on talent and influence?

If we are placed in a team that we think we should lead, but we don’t… just grab an oar.

If we feel the vision is wrong… just grab an oar.

If we feel the priorities are wrong… just grab an oar.

If we feel the workload is unfair or badly distributed… just grab an oar.

If we feel that the team is not ideal… just grab an oar.

And ROW.

Whatever is grinding us, we will have much more credibility if we first “just grab an oar”, and row. Row for all we are worth in the direction we have been given. Then when we have a clear reputation as a team player; when our leaders trust us because we followed well; when we are known for delivering, and supporting, and helping the team to achieve the best it can, then , and only THEN, can we influence with credibility and respect.

No leader initiating a project or leading it through challenges, wants to deal with negative or political animals that distract from the task at hand. People with their own agenda’s and not with the teams agenda at heart, are a distraction, a “weak link”, and I am not overstating it when I say they can easily be regarded as a curse.

The first and best thing you can do, understand the vision and priorities as they are. Understand the overall project and your piece of it very well. Understand the team dynamic and its strengths and weaknesses.

Then, grab an oar. And row like crazy. The rest comes later.

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Hope is not the poor cousin of faith…

Posted on June 28, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Hope is the strangest thing. And at the same time, it is so familiar to us all. How can something be so strange and so familiar?

Hope is officially defined as “the feeling that what is wanted can be had; or that events will turn out for the best”. I have to be honest, that leaves me feeling kind of dull. And rather uninspired… I think that is a perfectly adequate description of nothing more than “wishful thinking”… the kind of feeling that you would expect in a Peter Pan story. I personally cannot imagine that hope is only that!

Hope is one of those concepts that underpins our entire existence, which is why I describe it as familiar. I believe it is part of what makes us human, and a big part of what enables us to rise up and conquer! And yet I am convinced that we are tapping only a fraction of its potential within us. If we can find out how to develop and nurture hope, I believe we can each be unstoppable in pursuing our goals.

Hope is NOT wishful thinking. It is not conjouring up a nice idea and believing it. That is make-believe, and it is for children. It is also not blind faith or a refusal to face facts. There is something so real, and deep about hope. It encompasses all of the potential negatives, owns them and accepts them, but the passion for a positive outcome remains undiminished.

It is not self belief or “self” confidence. To box hope into a package as small as me or as you would be an insult. For me, hope is a pervasive thing, bigger than an individual, It is catchy, it can be passed on and multiplied; it can be ignited and fanned to a wildfire.

My own definition of hope? For me, hope is the “burning fire of possibility”. It warms us and excites us, it keeps the cold of despair out, and gives us reason to soldier on, rising up on weary legs when the finish line is too far away to consider. It is the engine, the thunder of capacity against the headwind of circumstance.

2 analogies might bring some clarity:

Hope for me is like the keel of a yacht. It is the thing that provides stability in a crosswind, that enables the yacht to tack against the winds and stay on course without capsizing. A person with hope is directional, motivated and sure of the investment being made. Nothing is certain, but the moments all have purpose!

The second analogy is when I fly. The feeling I get every single time on take-off reminds me of hope. A deep tremble of power that is directional and more powerful than anything. Something that carries me forward relentlessly through shuddering and trembling take-off It is the capacity to overcome inertia, gravity, resistance, everything, and discover flight.

I do not believe that hope is a quaint concept or a satin-like feel-good. Hope is power, an internal resource that can sustain us, empower us, connect us and focus us when everything tells us to stop trying.

And we can dig for it within our own souls, find it deep in our own makeup, and draw on it. We can encourage ourselves, motivate ourselves, from a well of hope. For some the source of hope is spiritual. But not everyone draws sustenance from the same well. Some will find it in their chosen purpose, their raison d’etre. Some in their own personal mixture of dreams, plans and capacity to do. Some in the support and love of a family.

We can also nurture it. It is easily attacked, easily buffeted. Only a sincere commitment to protecting and nurturing hope will see it grow into an unstoppable force within us. We have all seen and heard of hopelessness situations and hopeless people. With all the compassion in the world for those who are facing insurmountable odds, and cannot see the way through, I want to encourage us all to nurture hope so that we never face those odds or those situations, without a deep reserve of hope.

Hope is fragile until it is not; there is no other way to put it. We need to become adept at shielding hope from the buffeting of criticism, of naysayers, of bad advice and our own insecurities. Hope is often allowed to be a victim of circumstances because we fail to realise its value and power, and neglect the discipline of nurturing it when headwinds are encountered.

Hope must be nurtured in times of abundance, to be available to us in times of need.

Posted in Personal Growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

True equality

Posted on June 27, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Its a cliché, but I think there are two kinds of people. Those for whom a sense of being in control is something that comes and goes as seasons, events and circumstances change, and they are OK with that, and then there are those for whom the need to stay in control is pretty much everything.

I have met more than a few people who are really afraid of not being in control. And I mean really, really afraid. The kind of afraid that invades every area of their lives and underpins all of their interactions and decisions. But it doesn’t feel like fear, and that is the secret of its devastation. There is an internal justification that makes it seem normal and right. A sense that it’s normal to be totally in control.

These are not corporate “gods” or massively influential people that I am talking about. Some are, but usually those people have chosen control as a way of achieving personal goals. Their choice is conscious and deliberate. But there are also the you’s and me’s of this world… the colleagues, the guy behind the coffee machine, the bus driver, the electrician, the priest, the doctor.

Some people are content to find their place in the world in the context of others. It’s not always a bad thing – children are in this position until they are adults. Some adults are in this position by economic necessity, or social standing, or for a season while they find their feet again. Some choose careers where this can be the default norm, e.g. the hospitality industries. It can, however also have a darker rationale. It also be the result of emotional, physical, or other abuse. An overbearing parent, or a completely passive parent. And some are forced there by other people whose lives are centred on having control.

Every single one of us has a world where we are centre-stage, the main actor, the protagonist and the hero. And everyone else is a bit player on that stage. Their role, in our eyes, is a supporting act to OUR role.

And every one of us, has to face the fact that that other world, where SOMEONE ELSE is the main player, and centre stage, is on a collision course with OUR world, where WE are centre stage. The solution, for many people, is to find a way to force one world into submission. Control.

What is this about, you might ask?

Marriage being the most obvious joining of two separate worlds, this is probably a good place to start. A healthy marriage is a place where both people are equally important. But let’s break that down a bit. What does that mean?

It’s not a situation where, for example, we men decide to treat our wife’s priorities as important. That implies subtly that we have set our priorities up against hers, and have magnanimously and benevolently decided that for a while, she can come first. What a guy! Who wouldn’t want to be married to that kind of guy, right? Ummm… not so fast…

What THAT means, is that we men are still in control. It’s US who decided that, and US who allowed that. And, by implication, US who can call “time” on it and revert to the situation where it’s all about US again. And vice versa. If she decides that our priorities can come first, then exactly the same situation exists but in reverse. What a gal! Who wouldn’t want to be married to her, right?

You can probably guess I am not buying into that as the best way. I have been thinking whether or not there might be a better way, and I have decided, counter-intuitively, that true equality is not about sharing power, and sharing control. It is about giving up control. Completely.

True equality is where I completely let go of my priorities, and goals, and ambitions, and choose to take up her priorities as my own (Not “as if they are my own” – as my own). (Of course, it is only true equality if she does the same thing – but it has to be voluntary on both sides. It can’t be a tug of war, a game of “I will if you will”. If we wait for the other person to go first, nobody will.)

Basically it means that we are abdicating the throne of our lives in favour of the one we love. And so is she. At the same time. But it has to start somewhere…

My own priorities are gone. Dust in the wind. Except that she has remembered them, and has made them HER own.

It’s about trust.

It’s about honesty.

Its about vulnerability.

Its about hope.

Unsullied, vulnerable, hope. The deep belief that this other person will honour us and will keep on honouring us, even when they are needing something from us and are tempted to stop giving and demand it from us.

And her priorities are gone. Dust in the wind. And it’s about her faith, that I will honour her and keep on honouring her, even when I am in need and I am tempted to call out in fear for my needs to be met.

And so we get to a place where she is centre stage in my world, and I love the view from the front row seats. And I am centre stage in hers, and she loves the view. It’s not the same as a guest appearance in each other’s spotlight. A brief sharing, or a feature performance by a visiting artist. It’s the real deal.

I remember a question that stopped an entire evening and blew apart a social event completely. I think some alcohol had something to do with the level of honesty, but it was a humdinger! A wealthy CEO was asked if he was happily married, and his garrulous answer was basically “Yes”, giving many many reasons about how his life was great because of everything he had and how his world was perfect. The brave soul then asked the same man if he thought that his wife would also say that she was happily married as well. He couldn’t answer. He had no idea what to say.

My goal is to find a place where my fulfilling marriage is my wife’s fulfilling marriage. I can only find that place by letting go completely and redefining my world as one in which she is fulfilled. Not “also fulfilled” – just “fulfilled”. The “also” is up to her. Completely.

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

From a husband to a wife

Posted on June 26, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I am sitting in a hotel room thousands of miles away from you.

I know you and my whole family are fast asleep right now. The house is dark and the fires that have warmed your evening are dying down. But I am awake and thinking of you and my beautiful children. I am thinking of how complete you have all made my life. I remember our wedding day and the hopes and dreams we both had. I am thinking of the sounds that fill our house as children play and discover and learn, and fight and challenge and grow.

Our life has been filled with so much joy and excitement and adventure. We have accomplished so much, and there is still so much more ahead of us.

My dear, dear wife. I wish I was near to you now, close enough to whisper in your ear.

I am beginning, after so many years, to appreciate the beauty and joy of you as a woman. As a lady, a friend, and as a precious gift to me. It has taken me so, so long to let go of my long years of being single and to realise that the greatest blessing is not in having a wife and a family, but in being a husband to a wife, and as a father, being part of a family. In loving and serving and honouring a wife, and in shepherding and guiding and loving children.

Crazy that something so simple takes so long to be discovered…

And if I know anything, it is that this journey of discovery will never be over. I don’t believe there is enough time left for me on earth, to truly know and appreciate all that you are. As our rough outer edges are gradually worn down by the days and weeks and months and years together, and as the rich veins of gold begin to surface, I look forward to appreciating your beauty more and more. I am grateful in many ways for the times of testing, because without them, the gold would remain hidden, and the deeper beauty of who you are becoming, would not rise to the surface to be discovered.

Thank you for your grace in accepting me as I am. The Grace of this all lies in the fact that you have stayed true after your illusions were shattered. After the nearness and intimacy of marriage had revealed – and continues to reveal – my weaknesses and flaws, you have stayed true. You are a promise keeper, and I am humbled by your wonderful faith in me. Faith that there is gold here, slowly rising to the surface! Thanks for being patient.

My ability to disappoint you and hurt you breaks my heart, and if I could change one thing, I would change this.

I remember how we began so hopefully and then we were ambushed by our insecurities and our unmet expectations and our fears, and how quickly the honeymoon ended for us as we struggled to understand marriage and team work and sacrifice and servant-hood.

But we made it through. And we are better for having endured those struggles – kinder, gentler, wiser, more deeply rooted, and more honest, with ourselves and with each other.

And now we are parents, and the challenge we face is to offer our children a world different to the one we come from. As grateful as we are to our parents, we owe it to our children to deal with our issues and give them a fresh start, a new “normal” that is unique and special to them, hopefully full of grace and beauty and containing less and less of the things that can so easily damage and hurt the innocence of childhood.

I love your passion for our children and for their safety and well being. I trust your instincts and your priorities. Thank you for being such a fierce guardian of their innocence and their potential. Thank you for helping me to be gentle and kind, to be vulnerable and be on their level. For equipping me though kind words and guidance that makes me a wiser, gentler parent than I would have been otherwise.

I can think of no person on earth, that I would want to be the mother of my children, than you.

Thank you.

Posted in Family, Marriage | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

React or Respond? A Question for Grown-ups.

Posted on June 21, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Some people seem to have more emotions than others, I think. We all HAVE emotions. But in by far the majority of situations, I have seen that it is actually the emotion that “has” the person! I’ve seen it in the office, and I’ve seen it at home.

It’s about which one is in control at the time… the person, or the emotion?

My experience of emotions is that they are fairly all-consuming. Especially in times of high tension, or stress, we seem to end up in situations where our emotions run amuck, and the outcome we actually do want, gets compromised or lost as a result of the fall-out from the emotional overload…

We’ve all been in the situation with our partners (OK, so only me? The rest of you can skip this paragraph) where we KNEW what outcome would be best, and that was genuinely our intention when we engaged the problem, but somehow… between our words, and the other’s response, and the tone of voice, and the blaming, it all went south and now its even MORE of a mess.

There are situations where emotions are easier to control than in others. In those situations, we are usually responding to a challenge. And then there are the situations literally, where we are consumed by the emotion and the outcome is then out of our hands. This is where we are more than likely reacting to a situation.

Some people try to avoid having emotions because they can’t control them – I was like this. I used to burn so white-hot with anger that I was afraid of myself, and my response to this was to basically stop having emotions. The fact is, there was a reason for my anger, and it was THAT that I had to deal with, rather than stopping the flow. (That’s a subject for another blog, maybe)

It’s important to realise that emotions are not right or wrong, they just are. Emotions are an external reflection of a valid internal state – either we are in credit, and are basking in an overflow of good stuff, or we are in debt and we are struggling in turbulence. There is a reasonable, understandable explanation for every emotion we have. It may be a composite of many factors, some good and some bad, but it can always be quantified with enough thought.

The problem is the destructiveness of those debit situations, especially where the turbulence drags us under and we lose control. Our families suffer. Our partners lose trust in us when we raise issues that were forgiven, but now are resurrected because the moment has consumed us and we just can’t stop ourselves from finding ways to hurt them again. Our children lose trust when we become two people – the one who cuddles, and the one who rants and raves. Our children also learn from us – right or wrong – how to relate to their future partner and how to resolve conflict.

Only a very marginal personality type would enjoy these moments. So assuming that most people who read blogs are not “marginal types” what can we do?

Can we get to a place where we have our emotions, and they no longer “have” us? I believe we can.

I believe we can do a simple exercise that changes the power balance forever between us and our emotions. I learnt this in a discussion about self control with a good friend many years ago. He mentioned that the significant factor in self control is creating a gap – a time lapse – between a stimulus and a response.

The idea is that we ALWAYS decide our emotions. We don’t always realise this, because when we form habits, we are allowing the stimulus and the response to be so close together that they are indistinguishable from each other. It becomes a reaction. We choose our response so fast, that it appears instantaneous. But it is not. And the challenge for us is to re-separate the two, so that we can achieve a degree of objectivity, and the time to assess the impact of our choice, and then choose a better one if needs be. Changing it back into a response.

Try it, you will see that it works. But don’t try it on the big stuff first, that will just make you more angry! Have a look at some small stuff that has minimal impact and begin to develop the habit of taking stock of a situation before jumping in. Try it with your alarm clock – if you always hit snooze, try to wake yourself up enough to think about why, and consciously make a different choice. Try it with your keys – consciously choose a different place to hang them. Just get into the habit of stopping yourself long enough to let your mind engage a different gear.

There are a million opportunities in our lives to re-programme and learn a new habit. I suggest to you that a hugely beneficial one, with immediate positive impact on parenting and “spousing” – have I just made up a new word? – is to break the habit of an emotional reaction, and turn it into an emotional response. A considered one.

 

Then, on the way to finding a solution, we can give up the need to win, and especially the need to win dirty. We can choose well so that even in confrontation, good seeds are sown.

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

So who do we want to be like when we grow up?

Posted on June 19, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

In a little while – a year or two, in my books – a man named Novak Djokovic will join an elite group of tennis greats. The likes of Borg, McEnroe, Lendl, Sampras, Agassi, Federer, Nadal. He’s already playing at that level, as any World number one would be, but I am not convinced that is enough to be labelled “great”. “Good”, most definitely. “Fantastic”? Yes, on occasion…

But greatness is both doing something at the required level, and doing it for more than just a little while. (The media like to sensationalise and make bold statements early, but I’d like to think we should be patient, and allow him to achieve greatness the old way – by actually passing a stack of tests, and being proven great over time, not merely by being hyped)

There is another factor, too. There is a book called “The Edge of Greatness” and it is the story of Michael Schumacher. Amazingly the author contends that despite 7 Formula 1 World Championships, Michael Schumacher may not be really “great”. He may just be “almost great”. And the difference lies, apparently, in charisma. In the carrying of one’s achievements. In the style, the grace, the integrity and the humility of a person…

It seems incredible, doesn’t it, that talent, hard work, and achievement might not actually be enough?

My father was – is – a long distance runner. He ran the ultra marathons, and I had the privilege of growing up watching him train (endless hours on the road) and achieve awesome results that nobody except his friends and family ever knew about. He ran countless races, and 10 Comrades Marathons, coming 19th, amongst his many, many other achievements. I only found out on his 75th Birthday that back in the day, he was ranked in the top 10 in South Africa in the standard marathon as well!

Gone, it seems, are the days when achievements were sought by people not because of the fame, but because of the personal discipline and personal victory they represented. The role models I grew up with were all these marathon runner types. Hard strong men who pounded the very earth, hill by relentless hill, into submission.

Their deepest and most treasured achievements were personal victories, shared quietly and only with those who had achieved similarly. There was no money, no glory, and no need to win by any other means than hard work and talent.

Being “proven” is long, hard work, and it is not popular with some people. Those who get satisfaction from adulation and recognition often resist the idea that greatness and a strong reputation are earned and acquired over time, and in many small, often unseen, incremental steps. They tend to demand quick publicity and hype, because, deep down, that is their core need. The talent and achievement is merely the route to recognition and applause.

The prize does not always go to the quick or the strong. Sometimes it goes to the persistent, the faithful, the meek and the enduring. It all depends what kind of race we are in, and what we set ourselves up for at the outset. Incredibly, the longest, hardest race seems to be the one for sustained integrity and moral fibre. THAT race has no finish line this side of eternity!

But let’s face it, maybe that’s a good thing! What exactly do we want to hold up to our children as role models? It is very hard work finding a role model nowadays who is flawless or at the very least not deeply flawed. There was Tiger, and then there wasn’t Tiger. There was Lance, and then there wasn’t Lance. There are many such stories. Should we excuse moral flaws and say that a role model can just be based on achievement only? Even a talented sporting role model?

I don’t think so. I think we owe it to ourselves and to our children to be selective. Very, very selective indeed. I am grateful for those role models whose story involves hard work, talent, persistence, and results. I am MORE grateful for those role models whose story involves hard work, talent, persistence, results and integrity. 

Personally, I think we should be vary careful when including as role models, those who do not deliver in the morality/integrity arena. I want my children to aspire to be whole people, not just performers. And I want them to understand what that is, for themselves. We will not impart those lessons by holding up flawed heroes as examples of anything except of flaws.

I want them to be smart and balanced enough to know that fame and glory and reputation and excellence can come at too high a price. Fame and victory are not worth the loss of family or friends. Not worth compromised integrity. Not worth secrets or hidden shame. Not worth deceit.

Hopefully I am a worthy role model as well, only time will tell. But a young man needs more than one. I am pinning my hopes on the likes of Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, and hopefully, soon Novak Djokovic, to be role models of excellence in ALL areas. Gentlemen whose example I can hold up to the light and say to my sons, “It would be good to aspire to that” and not have to explain “But not in THAT area…”

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One part me, and one part you.

Posted on June 17, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Of course, the reason most of us fight, is because one of us thinks we’re right and the other one is wrong. In my case, of course, I am always right, which makes it very difficult for me to understand why my wife keeps insisting that I might be wrong on occasion… she on the other hand, obstinately refuses to admit the error of her ways.

Or is that maybe the other way around?

When we decided to get married, we had pre-marriage counselling, and it was really good. The couple who gave it were trusted, faithful, awesome folks, whose marriage was – and is – a living example of the principles they tried to impart. They have awesome children who also have incredible marriages.

Some things, are not so easily learned outside of the actual marriage though. There are those principles where we can read it, discuss it, and then its settled. There are those OTHER ideas, that no matter how much we read or discuss, or even receive great wisdom, nothing seems to stick until we work it out together. The hard way.

Some people advocate living together as a means of testing compatibility, before committing to a relationship. I am not sure this logic holds up for a number of reasons, too many to go into here. But the main one is that it doesn’t work! Since people started doing this significantly, we would reasonably expect a positive impact on the divorce rates! But the impact is negative. For this, and other reasons, divorce rates have gone up, not down. And they continue to do so.

The idea, I guess, is to find a partner who is “compatible” with us. So what is this “compatibility” thing? Is it someone who lets us get on with our lives? Someone who doesn’t fight? Someone who willingly gives in to keep the peace? Someone who shares the same values?  Someone who likes our mother? (OK, maybe that one wouldn’t be so bad…!)

Compatibility has an easy dictionary definition, but not such an easy real-life definition. “Capable of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable, or congenial combination with another or others” is the quick one. Compatibility is great.

Generally my experience is that people who want compatibility, actually really want peace. And not just peace, but generally peace on their own terms… If we want compatibility, what should we ACTUALLY be wanting? What is it?

Compatibility, I believe is a duality. A duality is a thing that is made up of two different, possibly opposing, but at least mutually challenging things. They give meaning to the other, like two sides of a coin, but they are not necessarily as intuitive or obvious as a coin. The flip-side of faith, for example, is doubt. The flip side of river, is the river-bed. The flip side of “freedom”, is “boundaries”. They lack meaning without each other.

So what, in my not-so-humble-opinion, are the dual components of compatibility? The things that gives it it’s whole meaning? I would say that they are harmony, and tension And we need to learn to be in harmonious tension with our partners. Not a destructive tension, like a tug of war, that has a winner and a loser, but more like the tension of a musical instrument, or a river course.

The violin string is nothing on its own. And the violin is nothing without the string. The river is not a river without the river bed.

But they are not at peace. The river grinds the rocks from rough to smooth as it passes over them, and the rocks force the river to follow a course which cannot be easily altered. But where the river wanders there is life, and fertility. A river without a riverbed, is a swamp. A swamp has no such life, only sodden wetness. The ground is good for nothing.

The violin tells a similar story – the string seeks to stress and bend the violin, and only the violin’s inherent strength keeps it in shape and aligned. The frame seeks to stretch the string, and only its inherent flexibility and elasticity keeps it from breaking. But together? Oh my…

They are opposing, and in tension. They strain against each other for dominance, and neither wins. They cannot. By design, their incompatibility creates tension, which when placed in the hands of a violinist the combination creates the potential for incredible, incredible beauty.

And so with us…

As long as we agree that we are imperfect, and as long as we are humble enough to agree that our partners can add value to our journey towards being less and less imperfect, then compatibility equals one part wood, and one part iron. One part water, one part stone. One part peace, one part conflict. One part win, and one part lose. One part hurt, and one part heal. One part apology, and one part forgive. One part stumble, and one part rise up.

 

One part me, and one part you.

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So you think you OWN that?

Posted on June 12, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

We are such ephemeral beings, physically speaking, at least. Part of the mystery about us is how we manage to avoid living like it! We live as if death will never come, as if we are invincible. A friend of mine told her young son, when he declared “I am invincible” that “No, you’re not, you are eternal” Big difference. Big, big, difference.

Don’t get me wrong, I do it too. All the time. It would be terrifying if our greatest reality was impending death. It is not – it is LIFE. And living with life at the centre is absolutely the better thing. (Suicide rates apparently go sky high in winter, in countries that are above the Arctic circle – living in constant darkness is not advisable, either physically or mentally!)

Here’s my question though. Is there a down side to this glorious lie? Something that, maybe, for all the necessity of it, we should be mindful of? I think there is. I am not a very passionate greenie, but there is one saying that I am thinking of right now:

“We did not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we have borrowed it from our children” (Moses Henry Cass)

My feeling is that we, ephemeral beings who live as invincible ones, have forgotten a critical reality – that we cannot own anything. At the very most, we are temporary custodians, guardians, and stewards. Not just of the earth, although that possibly is the most obvious example.

What about our children? The concept of “custodianship” is huge here. Do we create a world for our families that is an investment in their own future families, or do we just get by building our own little world that our families have to live in, with us? Full of coping mechanisms and unresolved issues?

Is it still our world, or by creating them have we moved beyond that to a place where it is actually their world? Should we not rather live humbly as a guest – a custodian – in their world? Have I lost you with this weird stuff?

For example. Do we raise our daughters always keeping in mind that that they will one day be partners, wives and mothers? Do we invest in them to build grace and wisdom for those roles, or do we make them victims or merely survivors of our own brokenness? If we are stewards, and custodians, we will deal with our issues so that they do NOT impact on the foundations of our daughters lives. Will their future husbands be grateful for our parenting? For the way we as parents resolved our conflicts and set an example for her? The way we modelled restraint, and grace?

Do we raise our sons to be husbands and fathers as well as (stereotypically) successful in business? What priorities do they learn from us? Is it more important to be rich, or have strong wholesome relationships? What have they learnt from our example about managing their own lives, or did they watch us tossed like a cork on the ocean? Eating healthily, being disciplined? Will their partners, wives and children be grateful for the example we set?

That’s just two examples and I am guessing there are certainly a multitude more. What about finances, possessions, materialism, conservation issues. Protecting the weak and fragile amongst us? Sowing instead of reaping? Being in business and being an employee – as business leaders, we steward processes, products, market relationships on behalf of others. On behalf of our colleagues, whose continued jobs depend on our excellence in sustaining the business? Or are we just building our own careers and climbing ladders for our own benefit?

The challenge for me, is to live as though every single thing we “own” is actually just held, like a fragile flower, on behalf of someone in the future. Plan, think, act, and love, with tomorrow, next week, next year, next decade in mind. It’s not hard. It’s just different. But it will make the difference between perpetuating cycles of brokenness and heartache, and breaking those same cycles. Setting people free, or constraining them by the same chains that bind us.

They say we will know how good we were as parents, not by our children, but by our grandchildren. If we have been great parents, we will not be focussed on creating great children, we will be focussed on creating great parents. The former is selfish – it makes our lives easier and gets us credit and approval from our friends. The latter is much, much harder, but so very generous. It may take huge effort, and deep digging to resolve our own issues, but it offers beauty and wholeness to a generation that have not even been born yet.

Let the brokenness of our parents’ generation die with us. Let’s not pass it on to our children.

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth, Work | 2 Comments

Unsung Heroes and Warriors

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

One of the joys of the workplace, is the fact that every single day, we see people we would not see otherwise. This, for me, is a great privilege.

Most of us choose our friends around compatibility and similar interests, and that is entirely normal. We can easily end up with a group of friends, though, who are similar in social status, earnings, careers, sporting interests, family size. We live near each other and frequent the same churches, shopping centres, and holiday spots. After all, who has the time nowadays to develop diverse spheres of influence?

Somehow, though I have always had variety because of my different interests… I had my music friends (the late night weirdos with perfect pitch and long hair) , my sport friends (the fit and frenzied health nuts with short hair and diet supplements) , and my church friends (the sensitive, community involved and spiritually passionate with caffeine overdoses and deep thoughts), all totally different to each other!

In the workplace, we are “forced” into daily interactions with people who would not ordinarily be in our circle of friends, and it is in those relationships that we can find the most exceptional reward. The privilege of many workplace friendships, thinking back over the different workplaces I have been in and people I have met, is that underneath the normal exteriors of so many of our colleagues, beats the fiercely brave hearts of heroes and warriors.

Our challenge is to learn their stories, and to never assume that what we see on the surface is the full story. As we do this, we will discover that the person next door is a hero by any definition of the word.

I remember the personal assistant, violently beaten at home, slowly building up the courage though her success at work, that she could leave her partner and build her own life. I remember the day she made that decision and saw it through – the fear, the excitement and the joy, all rolled up into this tiny package!

I remember the illiterate worker in South Africa, destroying R50 000,00 of stock because he could not control his excitement at learning to write his own name for the first time, and wrote it all over our products. (He got an award for that). Later on he told me he was soon able to help his children with their homework. To see his chest swell with pride was a thing of beauty and joy.

I remember the lady whose partner left her, and who protected her children from the trauma she went through by always speaking of her “ex” in the most positive terms. Although he was not anything of the sort, she made sure he remained a hero to her children. I am convinced they grew up straight and strong because she honoured their father and never orphaned their spirits with revenge or bitterness against him. (She’s my personal favourite hero, that one)

There are many others, each with their own saga. We would never had connected, had it not been for the workplace. Hopefully, we enriched each other’s lives, but I can say for sure they have enriched mine. I have discovered new heroes in my workplace, and it is my privilege and blessing to watch their stories unfold.

Heroes don’t need to be able to achieve the impossible, clothed in lycra and defeating insurmountable odds… I think there is a hero in everyone. Doing every day what needs to be done, seems to be what it takes. Doing it for the helpless and the innocent, takes it from being the daily grind, to being the work of a hero.

Posted in Family, Personal Growth, Work | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Does this dress make me look fat? And other scary situations…

Posted on June 7, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

There are so many jokes and cartoons about these situations. I love trawling through them, trying to find if someone has created the perfect answer, the one answer that rules them all… so far, no one has. Usually the poor husband is bearing the brunt of the situation and is on a hiding to nothing, but that is the nature of humour, I guess.

I have a tendency to be a little defensive when there are things to talk about that involve my imperfections being exposed. I know this is only me, and no-one else would ever be so immature, but I’m going to kick this around a bit anyway, just for fun. Who knows, maybe you know someone who should read this!

I guess it is safe to say that I didn’t come into my marriage perfect. I had a lot of time to prepare (only got married at 39) but funnily, I spent my days thinking I was pretty much just fine. A little quirky, maybe, but fine. What happened with my marriage, is that for the very first time ever, I had to let someone get close enough to me, to see me for absolutely who I was. No window dressing, no smoke and mirrors, no excuses.

I wasn’t ready for that. Sudden total exposure is pretty bleak, I have to tell you. Especially when the honest feedback comes. And it will. It must…

So how to handle someone being so close that there is nowhere to hide? And how to handle it when they have an opinion about how the marriage can be better – and it involves some changes – with you – and they are right, darn it?

The first thing I had to resist was the desire to do a “tit-for-tat” – the bit where I would say “Yeah, well what about when you do this, and that, and I don’t say anything to YOU…” All wrapped up in that sentence is how they are not qualified to speak and how much better I am than them, because I held my tongue, and I am just so tolerant and righteous it even takes my own breath away…

The second thing I had to resist was the temptation to silent anger. You know, the bit where I turn away with a stiff back and give her the silent treatment. Maybe I self-righteously get busy with some chores as well, so I have a legitimate reason to ignore her…(when you are absolutely in the wrong, this feels good for about 3 seconds, but after that you are just digging an even deeper hole to get out of later)

The third thing I had to resist was the not-so-silent anger. The one where I get verbally frustrated and angry and cause a scene and make sure that the emotions are running so high that I can ignore the real reason for what’s going on, and take comfort in the fact that SHE made me angry so its ok to be angry…

The problem is, none of this is ok. This is a marriage, and facing facts is part of life, and part of building something meaningful and beautiful. Realising that feedback is good, even when it hurts, is a big win. Even bigger than that, is learning to accept feedback from the person who has made you frustrated to start with.

Often we are OK with impartial feedback, but the real challenge for me in my marriage was learning to be OK with – and respond positively to – feedback from my wife. The very person who causing my frustration, and heck, well, she’s not that perfect either!

So, in the interests of becoming the best person I can be, and having the best marriage I can have, this is what I try to do now:

  • I lose my ego, and my pretense that I am good enough and deserve at least some credit.
  • Remember that she married me, she loves me, I love her, and we both want a good marriage. So we are on the same page.
  • Listen carefully to her and reflect back to her to make sure I got it right.
  • Say sorry, and do it without playing “tit-for-tat”. (Any issues I may have with her can be discussed another time, another place. The priority is not to win the battle of being right, but to win the war against my own ego, for the sake of my marriage)
  • Make changes immediately that show her I have heard her and respect what she has said.
  • Work like crazy to break bad habits that could catch me out and cause the same issue to resurface.

I’m not saying I get it right all the time. I’m just saying I try.

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments