Overcomers.

Posted on September 27, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

All of us reach a place, at some point in our lives, where we are emotionally tired, drained, and questioning the wisdom of continuing with the thing that has made us feel like this.

For some it is a job, for others it is a relationship. It could be a business venture, or a sporting challenge. A qualification, a hobby, a weight-loss or get-fit goal, a saving plan, you name it. We set ourselves a challenge, and then at some point of the journey, we get tired – really tired – and we question the journey.

If you feel like that, then this one is for you.

If there is one thing I want to offer you as a suggestion it’s this one statement. Please think about it, chew on it and get some perspective.

“Don’t solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution”

Yes, this thing is hard. Harder than you imagined. Harder than you thought you could imagine. Every part of you is tired, and lonely and needing a rest. Your muscles, maybe, but your heart and soul definitely. So tired it consumes you.

I don’t have a universal solution, or a magic phrase that will cause the sun to break through the clouds, and the rain to stop and the colours to brighten. I don’t have that. But I do have this for you. The strength to see it through is within you. Deep inside, where the fires of testing are reaching right now, is the seed of greatness that only those fires can unlock.

Great testing does not “build” character. It REVEALS the character that is already there. Like sand blowing in the desert, the wind reveals what is underneath. What was hidden, even what was unknown, but has always been there. Character is built through repeated testing. But that is not what today is about.

Testing offers us a choice. We always, always, ALWAYS have a choice. From the comfort of a happy life and no immediate pressure to do anything, the arrival of a test, of a firey challenge, pulls us out of our comfort zone, away from what we know, to uncharted territory.

Now, a decision is required. Where are we headed, and why? How deep do we dig, how hard do we push?

What determines our commitment – Vision, or Circumstance? Passion, or Pain? Our Legacy, or our Lethargy? We choose. Every single time, we choose. It doesn’t matter how loud the circumstances are, how hot the fire is, or how the pain is screaming at us, we still get to choose.

This is not about the challenge itself, or the heat of the fire. It is not about the steepness of the hill, the length of the race, or the pain of broken promises. It’s not about who was right and who was wrong. It’s about something much more simple, yet much more profound. It’s about what’s inside you. Who YOU are, and what YOU want to be when this is over.

You started this because you thought it was worth it. From the place of your calm clear planning, you looked at this challenge, this task, this opportunity, and you said YES! Go back to that place. Remember the joy and the passion of a new challenge. Remember the excitement and the fire in your belly of the adventure you were starting.

The only question you need to ask is “What has changed?” If the only thing that has changed is the burning in your legs and in your lungs, and the pain of effort, then it’s time to dig in and hold on. There is a way through. In fact, as someone famously once sang “The only way out, is through”.

For you to be you, and for you to look at yourself in the mirror with pride, this one, has to be overcome.

You have to get up, one more time.

Face the challenge, one more time.

Breathe deep and brace yourself, one more time.

And go.

There are a million witnesses, all waiting to hear the story of you overcoming. Its why we scan the papers every morning. Its why we buy a round and look at the faces of our friends, and ask how the week was. We are waiting for the chorus of “we did it!” from the overcomers.

The ones who can remind us of the capacity we each have for overcoming insurmountable odds by sheer will and drive. We all need role models. We ARE all role models.

Let’s finish strong, and be each other’s next role model. Let our success and the life we live because of it, tell a story we can all repeat in our own lives. We need each other, to set the pace, raise the bar, and be worth emulating. So that each of us – when the time comes to reveal our substance, to reveal our character, to become an example – can set the pace for someone else, raise the bar for someone else, and be worth emulating.

We are worth it. I am worth it. YOU are worth it.

And the ones who are inspired by our achievements to excel in their own world, they are worth it too.

 

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth, Spiritual, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Humility

Posted on September 19, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I was reminded the other day of my travels in India.

We were driving through the ghettos of Mumbai. Our host was an Indian businessman who had made many millions of dollars in the recruitment industry. Why this story springs to mind is the scene I recall from the streets where he, as a “lower caste” man, spoke proudly of how he had lifted himself by his bootstraps out of poverty and built his empire.

As he spoke of this, a dirty, ragged little girl – a beggar obviously – with beautiful, beautiful angel eyes came up to the window of his new Mercedes, and put her hand on the window to try see through the reflective tinting. I was saddened, and heartbroken to see the vitriol and disgust in his face and voice as he cursed her and threatened her with violence to get away from his car and leave him alone. No hand of compassion, no acknowledgement that he was once not so different as she is now…

I learned later during my time in Dubai, that many of the millions he made were made from the sweat and tears of indentured slave labour – people who mortgaged their lives and their family’s meager assets, and handed over their passports, for the promise of financial freedom and a new life in Dubai. But they were effectively sold into economic slavery in labour camps, unable to return home, and unable to earn enough to pay their debts.

The picture of his disgust for another human being has stayed with me, as clear as the day I first saw it. And the willingness to make profit from the destitute and desperate has stuck with me, a palpable wound on my heart each time I am reminded of it. I have great passion for the potential within each and every human being, and to see a person imprisoned by circumstance and then – unbelievably – forced to stay there by the attitudes and deliberate actions other human beings, is a great travesty for me.

I struggle to see us, co-labourers and fellow travellers all, having lost touch with basic humanity, and with our own basic humility. The total absence of “There, but for the grace of God, go I”…

Humility. A deep heartfelt gratitude for what one has, free of dominion and free of greed…

I am privileged to have known a few exceptionally humble people in my time… many of whom I am proud to still call friends. Some are rich, others not. Some are pastors, some businessmen and entrepreneurs. Some are Grammy winners, some are completely unknown.

Humility is a rare gift, and it is deeply, deeply attractive and heartwarming. There is a deep and lasting beauty in those whose worlds and perspectives are correctly aligned; those who view themselves accurately and others respectfully.

I recently read that humility is “not thinking less of oneself; it is thinking of oneself less”.

I love that. How amazing to see individuals who are complete and content within themselves, happily living with more than enough spare resources and able to invest time and energy at will, in the beauty of another’s world. These people are for me, the true heroes of each and every day.

These are the people whose strength and capacity is gently and kindly used in service and in protecting others.

Who uncomplainingly go the extra mile. Often.

Who would rather everybody wins, than that only they win.

These are the people whose personal struggles stay private, because they are keeping their internal strain from negatively affecting the lives of others

These are the people who can gently withdraw, or give way, so that others can get the benefit of a diminishing resource.

These are the people who would rather be kind, than be right.

These are the people who reach out with effort, time and resources to give to people who can never, ever repay them.

These are people who play their part faithfully and conscientiously, without a need for the spotlight, because the whole is more than the sum of its parts, and when we play ours gracefully and harmoniously, everybody wins.

And even more beautiful is where they choose to stay anonymous in doing so.

How often are we engrossed in our world and how it feels and looks to us. Is it working for us and benefitting us? And how often do we lose out on an opportunity to enjoy and enhance the world of the ones nearby, as we wrestle with our own desires to be centre stage; only expending energy when there is a positive return for us? How often do we let the voice of our own demands and “needs” drown out the equally relevant – and maybe even more desperate – voice of other’s needs?

And sadly, in how many cases is this so deeply habitual, and so ingrained by our coping mechanisms, our upbringing and brokenness, that we can’t even realize that this is “me”.

There are some who have actively chosen to be the centre of every world they are part of, by hook or by crook, force or influence. There is not even the pretense of humility, and often times humility is regarded as a sign of weakness, and the humble deserve to be exploited.

There are others whose brokenness drives them to achieve and maintain “relevance” and “importance”, to be centre stage because anything less is oblivion in their eyes.

These are challenging people to be around, sometimes, because although their desire is for connection, and they seek it out, the bridges they build are undermined by fear and insecurity and they cannot interpret events around them except through the lens of how it impacts them personally.

I see similar situations all around me – none as intense, none as cold and devaluing of people as that time in India, but in their own way, creating a similar outcome. I live in a highly advanced culture, and one would think that these cultures would have overcome individual greed and “winning” at the expense of others, in favour of community wellbeing. But winning nowadays seems to be what it is all about, and as long as we can stay blind by avoiding looking at the consequences of others “losing” when we win at their expense, then winning by any means is OK.

But winning at the expense of others is not always OK. 

The old saying is true, I think… “You can tell how civilized a society is by the way it treats the defenceless in its midst”

Society is made up of lots of you’s and me’s. Our personal choices matter. So so much.

Posted in Personal Growth, Spiritual | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

A Note for New Fathers of Multiples

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I wrote this as a basis for a chat to some new fathers of multiples. Then I thought, you know, maybe there are some others out there who don’t have the benefit of a Multiple Birth Club to provide support and info. So I am just putting this out there for you all, wherever you are.

Blessings.

 

A HUSBAND / FATHER PERSPECTIVE ON HAVING TWINS

 

 

Hey, welcome to the most amazing ride of your life. Here are some basic ideas and thoughts that come from our journey. Maybe they can help you get this all in perspective. At times, the idea of twins can feel like a tsunami about to hit – especially if this is your first pregnancy. 

I am here to tell you that you are about to be blessed beyond your wildest imaginings. It will be hard – of course it will be hard, everything that is truly worth it comes at a price – but it will also be a defining moment for your marriage and for your parenting. Knowing where it’s at and keeping things in perspective will turn this into the most amazing experience for you both.

I don’t write this, having got it all right or even pretending to have. In fact I forbid you to ask for details from my wife. 🙂 There were days when my score must have been about minus 200, and there were days when I hopefully got it right. These are simply notes from the road, so to speak.

We wish you joy and deep satisfaction on this amazing journey.

 

 What’s it like having twins?

 

  • Incredible, heavenly, funny, awesome, delightful, wonderful, fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding. And at times, challenging, stressful, and stretching.
  • I love all my children (the twins are no’s. 3 & 4), but I have never ever had so much fun as I am having with twins.
  • Every child is a beautiful, beautiful gift and although the workload is definitely different, twins are no exception!
  • Singletons exist in an adult world, and we usually think of babies as being an add-on to an adult world, but twins are a ready-made unit all of their own! They arrive and they kind of make themselves at home.
    • They can make each other laugh
    • They can team up (and they do)
    • They are company for each other
    • Twins help us to realise that awareness arrives at a much earlier age than we might think, if our benchmark has been a singleton baby.
    • Personalities and humour are not dependent on a grown up to be revealed
    • We only have fraternal twins, so we can say that their differences and individuality is a constant source of joy for us. We can’t comment on Identical twins, but hey, its’ gotta be great as well, right!

 

Family Centred children, not child centred family

 

  • You only have so much energy and resources to go around. Prioritise and take care
  • Time for you is not a crime. You are not a bad parent if you look after you. In fact, that can be the difference between being an OK parent and being a GREAT parent. Always make sure your tank is full so you have something to give…
  • Continue your lives as much as you can – You are already a family – your new arrivals are joining an existing family. We believe its better if the new kid fits in with the flow.
  • Fit the kids into your world and your routines, don’t change your world completely.
  • The kids can be inconvenienced – it won’t kill them. In fact it will help them have a context and feel safe if there is a routine and a set of things that they have to plug into.

 

Is it double the work?

 

  • Sometimes 🙂
  • Actually, it’s double the fun, and the “work” comes pretty easy when you realise that.
  • Some things take longer and need better planning – preparing to leave the house, loading the car up, nappy bags, snacks etc
  • Getting up earlier can be really helpful, to get stuff done while they are still sleeping.

 

What can the guy do?

 

  • For a while, your wife is going to be mostly tired, sore, and a busy new mommy. All her energy will be there. Affirm that and be her strength. Take on board the responsibility that supporting her and making her world manageable and functional, is YOUR responsibility. Make it your personal mission to exceed her hopes and expectations. At least for a while. 🙂
  • Let your wife decide the priorities. Listen to her and hear what she needs. You get extra points for having ESP, and even more points for not forgetting what she just told you. But seriously, be quick to take on board her priorities and get her stuff done. The Mr Fix-it mentality is less important than just being truly supportive.
  • Both of you will be learning everything from scratch. Please don’t assume just because she’s female, she knows stuff. Sometimes yes, but usually she is also feeling her way through it as well. If you expect her to know stuff, she may struggle to share with you when she doesn’t. That’s a recipe for stress and hurt. Be the kind of guy she can bring her weaknesses to.
  • Mistakes can happen, and it is both parents responsibility to be finding out stuff. The Multiple Birth Clubs are good for that – networking and learning from others. Guys, do it as well. Google is your friend.
  • Minimise your own mess and admin so that mommy can be freed up to do mommy stuff. Pick up after yourself, pick up after mommy as well! Cleanliness becomes more of a priority for the house, so pick up cleaning stuff quickly and look for potential health issues.
  • Pull your weight. Do stuff without being asked. Write yourself a list, even.
  • Twins are heavy and their equipment can be heavy. Carry stuff
  • Change nappies. Don’t wait for the neighbour to call with complaints about the smell.
  • Dress babies. If you are clueless about what to dress them in, ask wife to prepare bundles of clothes. Laugh about the mess-ups.
  • If you are bottle feeding, take the opportunity to give mommy time off and do it yourself.
  • Get off your smart-phone and pay attention!
  • Carry laundry
  • How are your cooking skills?

 

Night time

 

  • Agree with each other what the priorities are –
    • who’s the working parent
    • Whose got flexible start times in the morning
    • Who’s taking the early or late shift
    • Whose feeling stronger at the moment?
  • Support each other
  • Get sleep if you can, when you can. Your body quickly adjusts to getting sleep in instalments rather than in bulk!
  • Share the feeding sessions, if you are bottle feeding. Let the other one sleep
  • If mommy is breast-feeding, guys, try choose a feed where you really put the effort in – fetch bubs, change nappies, stay awake and take bubs back to bed. Its an incredible blessing for your wife to stay resting and know that the getting up and lugging around in the dark, is not always hers to do…
  • Bad nights happen and you wake up tired. Find grace for the day after – be thick skinned and not easily offended.

 

Are twins expensive?

 

  • Don’t really know yet. Can imagine school might get hectic…
  • I would say only slightly, maybe even not at all.
  • Yes if you buy disposable nappies.
  • Yes if you buy everything new.
  • If you absolutely ***CAN’T*** have bubs wear second hand stuff then look for the sales…
  • For the rest of us,
    • Trade Me / Ebay etc are amazing.
    • Op Shops are great.
    • Clothing swaps (Multiple Birth Club) – awesome.

 

Safety

 

  • Don’t leave safety, and paying attention only up to your wife.
  • Twins are FAST
  • They can go opposite directions
  • It’s very important to baby-proof because you can’t be everywhere and be looking in all directions. Overconfidence just gets kids hurt.
  • Get a play-pen. You will thank me
  • Baby gates if possible
  • Car Seats
    • Get narrow ones (we use the Safe & Sound make – completely trustworthy)
    • You gain an entire seat back! In a small car this is precious space
    • Facing backwards as long as possible, please. Don’t turn them around early! Little heads are heavy and necks can be damaged just by heavy braking.
  • Prams/Strollers
    • be careful of the double prams that don’t actually fit through a door!
    • Sleeping in a pram is OK (not the dads!)
  • Sharp stuff
    • Keep sharp stuff away from the edges of benches and tables – get in the habit early!
    • Look for broken toys and small things, be a constant vacuum cleaner for unfriendly things. (Remember it might be too big to eat, but it can also be used as a great weapon against the twin).
  • Be on the look-out for things in mouths, and learn how to safely get stuff out without pushing it down their throat. There is a way!
  • Babies love stairs. Be around them whenever there are stairs.

 

Sharing time between them and with others to prevent a sense of isolation or jealousy

 

  • Older kids
    • Cuddle time
    • Reading time
    • Making them feel special and important
    • Trips to the park
    • Solo dates
    • Twins can easily steal the limelight with the cute factor, and the need for immediate care and attention. Be careful to come back to the bigger ones after the distraction
  • The twins
    • Play together with them, and apart
    • Shave well so that there are no sudden rashes to scare mommy and irritate skin
    • Shower and bath with them – it makes a chore into a fun time.
    • Get a comfy chair so you can fall asleep together in a cuddle. It’s the best.
  • Wife/Husband
    • Find grace. This is going to be tiring at times.
    • Do the journey together.
    • Don’t ruin intimacy and a chance to connect by letting tiredness and emotions overcome you
    • Choose your emotions, and rule them. Don’t let them rule you and your marriage.
    • Be disciplined about getting time together
    • As soon as you are comfortable getting a babysitter, go on a date. You both deserve it.
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Corporate Change cannot happen without…

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I love change, and variety and adrenalin. My first bungee jump was 216m (650ft) high in Bloukrans Gorge, South Africa. What a rush. My whole life I have had awesome fun doing new stuff and having fun. I have also spent unreasonable amounts of time, working on, and being willing to re-invent, “me”. Overcoming some unfortunate disadvantages of my youth, some personal tragedies, the usual career decisions that we all face, etc.

So it would seem right that I am adept at, and comfortable with, change… but, I am not.

I suspect I am not alone in this. Change is hard. I don’t care what anyone else says, change is hard. Some people may be willing to undergo the change process readily; and others may need to be dragged kicking and screaming, but change is always hard.

That is why corporate – and personal – change programmes fail so often.

Is there a way we can increase the chances of success, when we pluck up the courage to execute a change? I think there is.

It is all too easy to declare a season of “corporate change” open, and then try and change a company, or a team. We can put programmes in place, do our communications and our presentations, and our sophisticated roll-outs. And for a while there is a semblance of change, like trying to wake up a sleeping kid (trust me on this one).

We walk into the room; announce the need for a change. We repeat until there is movement. There is groaning, and rumbling, and a few shifts and wriggles, and then just as we turn our back and get busy, having done our job, it all just settles back down again into what is comfortable.

Aaaand, repeat.

Sound familiar?

Something very simple is missing from this whole process. Something so simple, I have not seen it written on in the context of corporate transformation. I would suggest that there is no such thing as corporate change, or corporate transformation. It. simply. doesn’t. exist.

There is corporate restructuring, but only personal transformation. Plain and simple. And if we do not change the PEOPLE in the organisation – one by one – we are not going to change the organisation. Change is hard because it is personal. And it is unsettling, uncomfortable, and it requires a step into the unknown. Not always the big wide unknown of sweeping change – sometimes everything stays just the same except for a tiny aspect of how we do something. But it is enough to reduce our confidence in “the way things are done” and we become tentative, cautious and wishful for the old ways.

Change requires courage, and people who change are courageous.

We as change leaders need to embrace that change is a deeply personal thing for each individual involved in the process, and we need to find a way to meet them where they are at. For key leaders, those who can influence change and the introduction of it into wider teams across the organisation, this is incredibly important. Those key individuals need to be focused on and brought to a place of deep personal transformation. Because like a fire, it will not be self-sustaining, if there is not enough heat to keep it going. If the flames don’t catch and spread, you don’t have a fire, you just have a pile of blackened wood.

For change to work, it must be seen to work. It’s not a catch 22. That is why one of the most important aspects of change is the role model, the change champion who exudes confidence in the change and models it for everyone to see.

But the change champion cannot be anyone arbitrarily chosen; they need to BE the change they are championing. That is transformation at a heart level. Only transformation at a heart level is credible change. Everything else is role-playing, and it is see through.

Why is it see-through? Because if it is not a heart change, sooner or later, decisions and priorities will show that the old way still rules. Underneath the skin of transformation beats the heart of the old systems. Only a demonstrated heart level change will convince people that they should hop on board for the ride. Only a heart can convince a heart – a mind cannot even convince another mind; much less a heart.

People resonate with inspiring individuals, and they emulate them. Change must therefore be championed by inspiring individuals, who are responsible for making a change “go viral”. A video that has “gone viral” is not a miracle of the Internet. It is made up of millions of individuals clicking on the play button because they sense something worth seeing is there. So it is with change. It has to go viral one person at a time, with individuals drawn into the crucible of change by inspiring individuals.

Our job is to credibly and inspiringly touch individuals with the lived-out message of change. They simply have to want it too.

Change is hard because whoever chooses to change chooses to change their habits, their perceptions, their routines, and their attitudes. They choose a season of discomfort, where the draw of the old familiar way must be fought against until the habit dies.

I love people who love change, they are my heroes.

For change to work, in most cases, it requires a personal investment and a personal commitment from a corporate representative to encourage, support and model transformation, so that it can go viral one person at a time. It’s not a boardroom presentation. It’s not a quick email. It’s not a PowerPoint Presentation or an organogramme (Org Chart).

It’s changing hearts.

Posted in Personal Growth, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

An Ode to being Dad to Twins…

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I am a father of twins.  My wife is wonderful and she is my joy and delight, What an amazing mom she is. But this post is a bit about being a Dad to twins. In case you were wondering.

Anyhow, this apparently puts me in a group of about 15-20 fathers per 1000 who can understand what that means 🙂 My wife frequently has to deal with comments like “oooh, double trouble” or “Gosh you must be exhausted” from strangers trying o make conversation. Guys tend to go with the “Oh… wow” and you can see them silently thinking about their experience with a single kid and mentally doubling it. Then their eyes widen and if they can’t see a nervous tic or a wild 1000 yard stare, they are impressed!

I have 4 kids in total, and my first two were a breeze. They slept through, laughed a lot, weren’t ill (much), ate well, teethed quietly, crawled late (this is a big plus) and generally did not cause too much of a fuss.

So after the initial “Hooaaaahh!” of that first scan, I was pretty confident I could handle twins. I just doubled the experience of the first two, added a bit for good measure, and thought “Yeah, that’s doable!”

Then they actually arrived.

Plumbing.

I had no idea, what 24 nappies (diapers) a day looked like. Felt like. SMELT like. I spend awesome amounts of time on my butt on the carpet, with a baby wedged between my knees, and YET another nappy with a tiny squirt of “whatzit” on it, and a new one waiting to take its place. Of course, a baby has a finely tuned sense of this all happening, and never be fooled… the little monkeys know all too well when the breeze is blowing on their plumbing. I think there is an involuntary (the other option is a deliberate) response involving a little fountain of widdle, always in the specific direction of YOU.

It’s not that a single baby doesn’t do that,; they do. It’s just that twins do it more. About twice as much. And I think they compete, and compare results in the cots after dark. I swear I could hear them comparing notes and declaring one of them a winner, based on number of direct hits and my reactions.

The other thing is when they work together, you have two nappies to change. Fast. Inevitably, there is a despairing groan, a few choice words, and a NEED to wash hands. Often. It starts out being repulsive, but then, well, it’s just how the day goes…

Sleep.

Yeah, that thing. The thing we used to treat disdainfully if there was a half-watchable programme on TV, or whatever. Suddenly it was SACRED. I mean, I’m a good sleeper. I can sleep through anything, anytime. I can also sleep anywhere. Floor, bed, you name it, I can sleep there. Then these two little angels arrive. Now I can’t sleep. I can hear them from 2 floors away, and I am awake in a flash. So sleep? Not so much. The twins started sleeping through at 20 months. Lets think about that a bit…

20 x 30 = 600 nights. Average sleep 4 hours. Shortfall, 4 hours. That means I have slept about 600 x 4 -= 2400 hours less than I would have liked.

No problem, he says. Engage zombie mode. In zombie mode, it is possible to faultlessly and in the pitch dark:

–          Change nappies (twice)

–          Carry baby to mommy for feeding

–          Carry baby back to cot ((usually the wrong cot, but hey close enough)

–          Climb back into bed and switch off the alarm clock at 3am, resulting in oversleeping and being late for work.

 

Being a proud dad:

Our twins are fraternal. That means, they are brothers with the same birth date. But they are not identical. In fact, to be honest, they are not even similar. Do you think I could tell them apart? Not me. I swear I tried. I truly swear. We even had a trick. Lachlan on the left, Riordan on the right. (L-L, R-R) Get it? Easy. Not me. I couldn’t even remember if it was left and right facing me, or left and right facing away from me.

My usual opening line: “Hi, folks, this is Rior… no, its Lach… no, its… oh, heck. Whatever. It’s my son. That’s the other one.”

Same with car seats and clothes. Wife looks at Riordan “Those are Lachlan’s clothes, and he’s in Lachlan’s carseat.” Oops.

I blame the sleep thing. But eventually I got there 🙂

 

The joy

Have I mentioned the joy? Probably not. Let me just say that there is an exquisite and precious thing that happens with twins. Singleton babies grow up, not lonely, but… unaccompanied. They are alone in size, and in age in a big house with stacks of big people around. Twins, have each other. That is a magical thing, I used to lie there and just watch, two little babies grab each other’s hand and hold on. Seeing two little ones, touch each other, and become aware of each other was and remains an amazing thing.

Listening to the sound of two babies breathing in the dark. Two snores, two different cries for mommy. Two laughs, two first words, two first crawls, and two first steps.

OK. The bit where they work together to pull a chair to the door or window and open it is a bit scary, but hey, chairs can be chained down.

They have laughed at each other and played together like we never saw with just one baby.  Yes they fight and pathologically steal food and toys from each other. But oh, my, the camaraderie and team work! It has been such a blessing, and worth every second to watch them rush for the tea table together at the shout of the words “Tea time”. Fighting over each other to get there and sit down. Two little smiles, two little faces overjoyed at the sight of a “Nana” being peeled.

Two shouts of “Huhyo” when I arrive home. Two babies shouting “Dada”. Two little voices singing “I yuvv you”… Sitting on a couch with two snuggly bubs, one asleep on each shoulder.

These things are like a drug to me. I am so, so, grateful for my twins.

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The Art of “Yes”

Posted on August 28, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I remember reading an article about that Drew Carey show “Whose Line is it Anyway?” it was about improvisation and apparently, the Golden Rule of multi-person (two or more people, obviously) improvisation is, quite simply, that one should never say no.

The idea is that improvisation is a thing that builds inertia, where creativity feeds creativity and momentum is gained through positive affirmation. So, when a suggestion is made, the idea is to go with it, or to modify it by building ON it. By taking what was suggested and making MORE of it, not less of it.

For example (a silly one, but anyway) “Lets use this pole as a seesaw and ride it”. The response options, for example, could be:

“No, that’s silly. Lets pretend it’s a ….. instead” or

“Sure, that will be fun! And then when we finish that we can maybe pretend it’s a ….,”

Which one, in your thinking, was the successful improvisation? Which one created a story line and fed the creative process? And which one stopped it dead in its tracks and sucked the life out of it?

What does this simple example illustrate? The power of collaboration over competition. Laying down the need to be exclusively right. So often we work off the premise that “for me to be right, you must be wrong” I think it’s instinctive. And its wrong. Plain, dead, wrong.

What, from this simple illustration, would the keys to a successful improvisation be? Keeping it simple, may I suggest the following three:

  • Abundance – there is plenty of opportunity for everyone to have a turn;
  • Generosity – It’s ok if you go first;
  • Vision – there is a bigger thing going on here than just me.

Poverty minded people cannot do “improv”. They are too busy making sure there will enough for them; that the way they interpret things is accepted as right. Selfish people cannot do “improv”. They want to be first and most important. And self engrossed people cannot do “improv”. They are too busy being worried about how they look and what people will think of them, to pick up the bigger picture and run with it.

Here’s the catch. Life is “improvisation”. There is no script. No Director, and no Producer. There are just actors on a stage. Me and you. You and someone else. And occasionally some other people. So how do we do this thing so that it is not an embarrassing flop? I think it’s actually quite easy.

Never say no.

Now obviously there are times to “say no” and a failure to do so could be catastrophic. But in the main, when two or more people are just trying to get something done, “No” is not a very helpful word.

What are the two greatest multi-person improvisational roles we play? For me, that’s easy! Marriage, and parenting! And I truly believe this Golden Rule of improvisation is one of the fundamental keys to success in both areas. Never say no!

Trying to get a child to do something can be interesting to say the least. If I set myself up as “right” and this thing (like a bath, or bedtime) has to get done NOW, chances are there will be a battle of wills while my boy finishes playing with a toy or something.

Far better to take his lead, and integrate his story with the one I need to make happen: “Hey, lets see if we can do this with your ____ and then if it works maybe we can play some more after the bath…” works a whole lot better than “OK, put everything down and get in the bath!”

I often found myself saying “NO” just because I could. I had the power to direct what and when. So I did. It was a beautiful moment when I chose to say yes more often and let things play out more naturally without being a boring contrarian “adult” all the time.

The beauty of this is the validation and affirmation that he feels, and the sense of being liked, welcomed and important to me. My schedule can wait 5 minutes, to bring him joy and pleasure and get him onto the family team without a fight. What’s 5 minutes anyway in the scheme of things? Or, I can crush him with my rightness and devalue his imaginings and his play to get things done my way. No contest!

Running the household, talking through parenting stuff, marriage stuff. Working out our team and how we will do this journey we have embarked on together. Planning and scheduling. These things with my wife can also be a challenge if I am sticking to my guns and wanting her to do it my way… and if she is sticking to her guns and wanting things her way! Why not have an abundance mentality:

“How would YOU like to do this?” and “Of course” and “Yes, no problem”. “Sure, that’s great. When we have done that can we maybe try make time for ______?” and “At the end of the day, as long as we have managed to do ______, I’m not fussed how or when we do A, B, and C” Lets fall over ourselves to make room for the other person! There is time, there is room, there is plenty to go round! What would we rather have? Have it my way, and be “right”, or share the pleasure of getting family right? Also, no contest!

I have been around people who are never happy. Always wanting things their way, always with an opinion about why something isn’t good enough and they have a better way, a better idea. “Yes” doesn’t come easy to them. 80% good enough isn’t good enough. Heck, 95% good enough isn’t good enough…

Over the years, I’ve had acquaintances like that and colleagues like that. (On occasion, I confess I have been like that myself) It’s very unattractive, and soul destroying to be around.

In a marriage, it’s easy, very easy, to sacrifice intimacy and togetherness on the altar of being right. As a parent, it’s very easy to lose your child’s heart and crush a young spirit, by being an authoritarian, “one-trick” parent. And in the workplace, its very easy to lose your place in the team by being an “every silver lining has a dark cloud” kind of person.

I think there is huge merit in making the Golden Rule of Improvisation, one of the golden rules of marriage and parenting.

And the workplace.

 

Just thinking…

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What makes for a DEEP trust?

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

One of the things I have become very comfortable with in my life, is the idea of “truth in tension”. In an earlier blog I used the example of a violin to demonstrate that beauty is sometimes contained in the synergy between two seemingly opposing concepts. In fact, without the “tension” created by those opposing concepts being in a relationship with each other, the beauty itself may not exist.

Where would the sound of a violin or a cello be, without the tension of the incompatibility between wood and iron? It is that very tension that brings life and beauty to an inanimate object. Of course, there is also the talent of the performer 🙂

Such, I find, is life. One of its mysteries is that many of its fundamentals are found in tension with each other.

Justice, and Mercy.

Grace and Causality.

All are valid, meaningful and important concepts. And yet, on a first reading, they are like Oil and Water, they naturally disassociate from each other. Unlike Black and White, they do not blend to form something else.

Justice – the concept of being fair and reasonable; a quid pro quo.

Mercy – withholding natural consequences out of compassion

Grace – the condition of being favoured for no reason

Causality – the fact that everything has a natural cause and consequence

 

The really mature and wise of my friends are adept at living comfortably between any two such opposing concepts. I find, in my limited experience, that the more a person has embraced both and found a way to express consistently life between the two,  the more attractive they are as a person and the more others are drawn to them as a source of stability and wisdom.

Those of my friends who are not able to do this, tend to be more volatile; swayed by circumstance and events that test their view on the world. They can be one thing one day, and another thing the next, based on any number of circumstances. The unpredictability of their world is in one aspect, colourful and varied. But in another sense it is unstructured and tiring. They can be trusted in their changeability, but deep trust is a bit harder

It is no surprise to me that every good leader I know, is comfortable with these tensions and adept at exploring them. It is also no surprise to me that every bad leader is not. Leaders by virtue of their roles are drawn into many environments where what looks like a balancing act is required. The “good of the team”, versus the “good of the individual”.  The concept of confidentiality versus the need to keep stakeholders informed. Bring trusted by many different stakeholders, all with different expectations of what is trustworthy behavior…

Leaders are able to do this. What it creates is a deep trust. A trust in character, in personal integrity. Not simply a predictability of behavior. It goes deeper. Much, much deeper. It creates an environment where as a follower, I can lay down my insecurity and my need to know everything, and simply trust that the person in charge is wise enough to make a good call, with the best possible outcome for all stakeholders in mind. It helps me to get on board, and row hard, in a direction I did not pick myself. It enables me to head into stormy weather, with confidence that if I play my part, the person in charge is competent to play theirs and guide us through.

In the workplace, this alone has the capacity to be the swing factor in creating a strong deep workplace culture. It can be the death of a team, or the lifeblood of it.

Husband and wives, this applies to marriage too. We are not always predictable, as people. We are flawed, and inconsistent, and we are balancing our inner worlds with its personal storms and challenges, with our outside world where we are needed to be consistent and reliable. If your spouse is your emotional punching bag, you are not doing well in this area. Men, if you haven’t reconciled the tension of sexual desire with monogamy and exclusivity, you are not doing well in this area.

Parents and children, it works here as well. If we discipline with anger, we still have stuff to learn. Yes disobedience is frustrating. We are responsible to mould them into something profound – an adult – WITHOUT using our own flaws as the mould! That just creates inverse copies of ourselves. If we focus on providing things at the expense of emotional connection and time, we still have stuff to learn. Truth in tension! Both are required and there is only so much time.

 

Just some food for thought…

 

Leaders: How good are we at inspiring the confidence of diverse stakeholders (Test: could we do it if they were in the same room together?)

Partners – can our partners trust our intentions even when our actions are not quite giving off the same vibe? Have we connected on a deep enough level that they can give grace, knowing what our heart is?

Parents – can we guide our children to maturity without forcing them to develop coping mechanisms for our flaws? Are we keeping our internal battles from them?

 

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Can – and how – do we re-wire ourselves…??? The Mentorship Opportunity.

Posted on August 23, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Different people are built differently, and we need to make a rational and considered decision about what is best for us and what is within our reach. That is not to say we are genetically boxed in from birth, but its good to know where our strengths lie, and where the challenges lie. Self awareness is a good thing.

Some people are high achievers, and have a unique ability to pack things into a day that others simply do not have. (I was recently in a conference with a world renowned business thinker who promised to personally reply to every email… If he makes that promise every 3 days or so, and keeps it? Go figure. He has capacity with a capital C)

Some people are less likely to be able to do that. Some have a natural disposition to focus differently, less single-minded, maybe, and more global; less result, and more process, etc etc. Some are more people-focused than task-focused (this can be a big factor – we can’t “do” people well if we regard them as “tasks” – they quickly realize what’s really important to us – and it’s not them!)

It true that everyone – from Richard Branson to you and me, have the same 24 hour day to live in, and yet we each get very different things – and very different amounts of things – done. Unquestionably, the more we can get done well in a day, the more successful we will be. But not everyone has to be a world leader, or a billion dollar entrepreneur. If everyone was, who would teach our children? Who would take night shift in the ICU’s? Who would keep our suburbs safe?

Different, in this case, is not superior or inferior. It’s just different, and we need to have grace for ourselves and for those who are wired differently to us. What is best for you, and for me, with our own unique capacities and abilities, our heritage and upbringing, our strengths and weaknesses? What is our unique contribution, and are we bringing 100% of us to that challenge? That’s the key question. Not “Why can’t I be like him? or “Why can’t I earn that person’s salary?” etc etc.

It takes all types to make the world go round. And sometimes, it’s about realizing that different people – different thinking mechanisms – are needed for different situations. There is nothing wrong with that.

I recently had a discussion with a person who wanted desperately to be a more senior leader. There was a perception of importance that he had attached to the next rung of the ladder that he was pressing for. It was all about his perception of how he would be perceived.

He wasn’t ready, and will not be for some time. And only then, if he re-wires an aspect of his brain. The part that needs, and pushes, to be perceived in a certain way. The level he wants to get to , does not get its motivation or success from what people think. People at that level get it from personal drive, from vision, from personal mastery, from accomplishments achieved against all odds, and from people skills, not from being “liked” or “admired”. If he doesn’t re-wire himself, he is currently, now, at his peak. That’s just the way it is. He might get a more important job, but almost certainly he will fail at some point. Unless he re-wires.

He has blind spots. Blind spots are exactly that. We cannot see them and as a result we think they don’t exist… but they do, and everyone else can see them. Some people don’t get that promotion they were hoping for – it could be their blind spot was disqualifying them. Some think they have built a great rapport with a new acquaintance, but that person doesn’t return calls… it could be the blind spot again.

The best solution for this dilemma, and for the task of re-wiring our brain to take on new challenges well, is accountability, and/or mentorship. Walking with someone who can offer an external perspective and help us to see our blind spots. We can get this from a good friend, a partner or spouse, and from a business associate.

But while personal or spiritual mentors and accountability partners can be informal arrangements, business mentors are something different. It’s a formal arrangement and a person offering a business or career mentorship deserves an incredible amount of respect – for the gift of precious time, primarily, but also for the intellectual contribution that can accelerate a career or navigate a difficult personal challenge.

Some thoughts on a Mentor/Protégé relationship. (I’m sorry, this “Mentee” Americanism drives me nuts. It’s a Mentor and a Protégé… )

A good mentor will:

  • Commit and keep his/her commitments
  • Prepare; and use their network to expand their knowledge in the area of the protégé’s challenges
  • Be about the Protégé, not about the experience of being a mentor.
  • Not be afraid of hard conversations, but also know how to have them.
  • Make you do the work. 🙂

Our responsibility as protégés is to make full use of a mentors time by doing a few things:

  • Being on time and prepared for every commitment
  • Honouring every commitment – a phone call, a meeting, an assignment, it doesn’t matter. Every. Single. One.
  • Respecting the experience gradient and not being stubborn or difficult
  • Being courageous so that we get over the learning curves quickly and well. Mentors like to see progress. In fact they insist on it.
  • Approach problems with potential solutions already thought out. Use the mentor to test alternatives, not to be spoon-fed. Develop your own critical thinking capacity with a friendly, supportive and invested critic on hand – it’s a unique learning opportunity!
  • Mentoring someone else in turn. We are links in a chain.

The only mistake a person can really make is refusing to learn new things.

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Email Etiquette…

Posted on August 13, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

OK, so this is mostly a work related post. And re-reading it, its not all that short. (Sorry!) I have been getting a little saddened lately by email etiquette, or the lack thereof, and how it impacts people at work that I care a lot about. So I figured it was time to write something. It’s been done before, maybe a million times, but hopefully I can add something useful… probably not, but it’s worth a go! (At the very least, I will get this issue off my chest!)

Email at work is becoming the de facto means of communication, I think for 2 main reasons – one, it’s convenient (read “lazy”), and two, it’s becoming regarded the best way to “cover yourself” in a contentious situation.

Laziness

By lazy, I mean we used to prepare our thoughts, plan a conversation which was actually a living dialogue with a living person, pick up the phone, and talk about something, working through issues as we went along…. Nowadays we can write a note, or even a expansive tome, and never have to field another person’s thoughts. No danger of getting interrupted with someone else’s reasonable perspective or different idea. And, we can just hit send and it’s done. No calling back, leaving messages, etc etc. All very convenient. We have, in our own eyes, “comMUNicated”! Hooooaaah!

Communication when done face to face is a very precious thing. We generally take care to be on our best – or at least reasonable – behavior, and the golden rule is only say things we would be proud of. Very rarely would we invite strangers or unrelated people into the conversation. Even more rarely do we record it and distribute the recording afterwards to others without telling the person we were with! (That is what a Bcc is, really). In face to face contact there are ethics and rules of politeness, and they make us each socially pleasant and likeable. I am concerned that when we put up a computer screen, for some reason, these things become less important! People lose their value, and because we are writing to a faceless email address, we change our behaviour.

No decision-making

It also means we can circle an issue with many one sided monologues and never get to a decision – or at least not one we can be held accountable for! This is something we don’t have the luxury of in face to face situations. It’s really great to be able to pretend we resolved an issue, but really we didn’t… we batted it around, nudged it to one side; and passed it off. We can easily make it look like the initiative was with the other person and THEY are the one who dropped the ball…

Bad manners

I often get emails that start off halfway though a sentence. No greeting, no introduction, no context. Sometimes that’s ok, like in the middle of an existing conversation. But not often… Greetings set the whole TONE of the interaction. First impressions LAST. So why would we want the start of a conversation to result in that whole conversation being viewed through a lens of aggressiveness/defensiveness? Why on earth would we leave off the “Hello, Bob” or “Hi, Mandy” at the start. We need to be really careful with that.

Our manners are so important. Especially in a medium where personal contact is already reduced. Very few people are wordsmiths who can craft awesome emails, so it is really important that we take care of the basics. It’s just plain lazy and disrespectful to leave out a greeting or a context. (Epiphany – You know what I think it is? I do this sometimes, and I have to go back and fix it… We type their name in the address bar, and then feel like we are needlessly repeating ourselves to say hello in the body of the email)

The message is the message RECEIVED, which is NOT always the message you sent

Choosing words is very important if we are going to trust communications to email. It’s really really important to find the right WAY to say something. I never send a first draft; hardly ever a second draft, sometimes a third draft and usually only a fourth or fifth draft. Especially in contentious situations. It’s really important to let a difficult email “settle”. It ALWAYS takes less time to write a good email than to fix the mess left by a bad one.

Covering our Tracks

We have all been there. We need to make sure our side of the story is documented. There is usually a time, at least once, where we are scrambling to appear as if we got it right, when actually we flubbed it and are now at risk of some blame attaching to us. Or, occasionally, we are legitimately needing to communicate something important where evidence that we did so, is necessary.

What happened to trust, and notes, and taking time to meet and deal with issues, and communicating with tone of voice? What happened to the ability to work through an issue WITH the person that was hassling us?

Shallower relationships (and they aren’t that deep to begin with!)

The biggest problem here is the increasing gap between us and the person next in line. Essentially we have a digital barrier in between us and huge numbers of people, where in the past we would know their faces. When meeting them, the initial small talk would mean we know their kids names and what grade they are in, and what sports they play. By the time we got round to real discussions there was something of a bridge between us that we could both stand on and appreciate each other’s perspectives. We had met the human being behind the issue.

I think we need to get that back. Its not hard to pick up a phone, it’s just unfamiliar now. It takes planning, and engagement.  That’s all!

Cc and Bcc

I have a serious problem with the issues surrounding (forgive me) the “Cover Your Ass” issues. Its here that the Cc and the Bcc fields wreak havoc on workplace relationships. There is the straight up Cc that is ok, of course, a legitimate copying of necessary or involved colleagues; but then there is the more subversive kind… The power playing, the one-upmanship; the exposing of another’s vulnerabilities and the dropping of your colleagues to keep your own hands clean.

When we are emailing it is really important to always re-consider the Cc line – does this person still need to be in the loop? If I remove someone, I also remark on that in the email, so that there is clarity as to why.

Honest and upfront

To copy someone in, there should be an upfront and honest reason that is actually mentioned in the email. The last paragraph, perhaps, in brackets… for example :

(Bob, I included John by way of Cc because he was intimately involved with the design of the item we are discussing and he may well have great perspectives on how to adapt it)

The Blind Carbon Copy (Bcc)

The Bcc field has very few virtues, and should hardly ever be used. I mean this. Too often the Bcc field is seen as a clever way to pass information under the table. I have a problem with the culture of any place, or the integrity of any person who does this regularly. For me it is a clear sign of underhandedness and of insufficient social skills.

It is useful when sending out identical emails to a group where knowledge of each other’s identity is irrelevant or counterproductive (such as mass responding to CV’s in a recruitment situation, or publishing an item to a group of people where there is no issue of who knows (like a generic email list or a club distribution). It can also be valid when privacy constraints dictate that not everyone should see the other people on a list.

The only consistent exception I have permitted for myself, as an HR Manager, is when I am in the process of workplace counselling, and I can REALLY TRUST the intentions and heart of the person I am Bcc’ing – usually a very senior manager. The recipient would be likely misunderstand the reason that “X” knew what was happening. I would only be telling ”X” for one reason – their support is integral to the success of the counseling, but the positive dynamic would be too easily affected by too much transparency.

I only Bcc when I would be more than happy to stand by it if it were to come out – which, by the way, it sometimes does. And I often prepare the ground in advance for just that reason.

The other possible reason is when a situation growing difficult, and obviously being seen to include someone would be incendiary, yet they need to be informed. In this case, I prefer a meeting or a phone call.

Bcc especially just feels like gossip to me. Usually, when I have seen it in action, it is passive-aggressive schoolyard stuff, and the person doing it comes off worse than the person they did it to!

 

OK, rant over. Happy emailing!

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Kindness…

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

A friend who could not be at my wedding sent a truly insightful and simple marriage greeting to my wife and I… he said, quite simply, in his card to us “Be kind to each other”.

Trusting his wisdom and accustomed to his economy with words, I have never forgotten perhaps the simplest marriage advice I have ever received. And, yet, I would also have to say, the most profound.

I love my wife, deeply. She loves me too. But we have our moments, when things are, shall we say, not quite as simple. It would seem that we occasionally become focused on what we each need for ourselves, and how we each see the world according to our own needs.  Those times very quickly become, shall we say, challenging.

And then what we value most comes out.

If we value being right, then what comes out is a sincere and focused effort to win. To be the victor. To be heard, and to be understood. To get things decided in our favour, and to do things our way.

We are, of course, right. And so our way is definitely the most reasonable option. Its just that they are so concerned with saying their stuff, and not actually taking the time to listen, that they don’t realize they are wrong! And sometimes they even keep on speaking when we interrupt them with a better perspective on the situation!

If we value the relationship, and the other person, then what comes out is a little bit different. Maybe they tone down their responses and try to de-escalate the rising frustration they can see in us. Maybe they stop speaking and listen? They might even listen positively, and say to us, when they are finished speaking, ”So what I hear you saying is …..? Is that a good summary?” They might even apologise for their part in the misunderstanding and agree that we had a good point.

They might be 100% right, and we may be raging internally about something that temporarily affects our ability to acknowledge that. How we approach these times is dependent on whether we are committed to kindness, or to correctness… Imagine if we both got it right?

Correctness is important, sometimes. It can be important in building a house, or driving a car. It can be invaluable in mixing medicines or performing surgery. It is also pretty useful in flying planes and say, shooting guns. But in a marriage? Not so much.

Kindness is not condescension. It is not compromise. It is not pandering, and it is not fear.

I saw a vet once holding a small dog with a broken leg. A sudden movement hurt the dog immensely and it lashed out, biting the vet. She did not budge. Kindness is the gentle hand holding the wounded animal – the one that bites out of fear or frustration, out of a response to pain, but the bitten hand is steady, at whatever cost to itself… bringing peace to an agonised heart.

It is a strong, gentle response that lay aside the need to be right, in favour of the choice to remain one with the person we chose to be one with. Kindness creates a safe place, where a person can be shown a love they do not always deserve. Love when it is most needed. Shown to a person who may not want it, by a person who also desperately needs it to be shown to them. It’s not a tit-for-tat. It’s not a wait-and-see. It’s a gift, a preemptive strike by a bold and hopeful heart. A prayer for peace and unity.

It is, in fact, love in action.

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