The Exquisite beauty of Innocence

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

 

I’ve always been saddened by the title of the Don Henley song “The End of the Innocence”.

I guess when I was growing up and in my single days, innocence was a passing phase, a “nice” concept that quickly went past its “best before” date and became a non-essential in our lives. Which teenager actually “wants” or preserves, innocence? Not many, I am thinking…

Now, as a parent, the idea of innocence has taken on a far more meaningful – and fragile – dimension. Everybody knows that children are innocent – unaware of guile and subterfuge, and with their fairy-tale view of the world unsoiled by harsh experience, disappointment or pain. Innocence is sacrosanct, precious.

I think that is why we react so strongly to innocence stolen – through child abuse, or family violence, and the like. World-wide, society and individuals react with outrage to the premature demise of innocence. And this is good. Long may we do that and hopefully our consciences and sense of right and wrong will not become dulled by the incessant creep of societies calloused and rough desire for the early onset of maturity (usually fuelled by someone’s ability to make money out of it!).

But what bothers me deeply is a generally untroubled attitude – not to the theft of innocence – but to the LOSS of it. We strongly protect innocence from theft, but not from erosion! It troubles me that we are adverse to it being stolen away, and even on occasion struggle up out of our armchairs to protest or voice concern, but are apathetic and ok with its increasingly earlier and earlier “loss” by erosion. Why is that? Innocence gone, is innocence gone. By any means, it is the same!

Is it because there is no-one particular to blame? No obvious face of evil? Surely we are not only motivated when there is someone specific to blame? It would seem to me that a faceless evil is far worse than an identifiable one! Yet we react the complete opposite to the faceless evils of society…we give them freedom to influence and act!

Maybe it is that a faceless evil requires us to be thinkers and communicators, able to distill and synthesise, quantify and express the REASON for our anger, but if we can point at an evil person, we can get by on raw emotion alone? Are we really so lazy?

Adverts and magazine covers, that portray 10 year olds as sexually mature women, for example. Cartoons that glorify violence and physical supremacy over everything. Children’s programmes that entrench a disrespect for adults, and learning, and manners, and kindness?

I believe that the defence of innocence starts in our homes. Do we buy that magazine, and then leave it around for young ones to see? That’s a failure on two counts.

Internet access at home. Where is our computer? In a room, with a door, where children can surf alone, or in a public place where someone can always be passing by? How are those parental controls doing? Is the occasional blocked website too much of an inconvenience to us, to protect our children from porn? Thanks to a great article on these dangers, ours is now in a corner of the lounge. The opportunity to protect our children from these influences will only come once.

Us dads, how’s our clothing? How do we dress at home? Are the doors closed when they should be? Or does our young daughter know more than she should at her age, about the male body? And vice versa for sons and mothers.

What’s on TV? A cartoon nowadays is not just a cartoon. Have we parents checked for spiritual content and violence levels? For the tone of voice and respect for others that is perpetuated by the characters in cartoons, as well as in normal TV programming? What do we allow into our home? Is there any kind of filter, on the “sewer” in the corner of the lounge?

Our daughter’s innocence should be OUR highest priority. Our son’s innocence should be PARAMOUNT. There is a time and a place for learning new things, things that introduce more adult views and understandings to our young children. There is no day or place on earth where I want that to be decided for me. Until the foundations are firmly laid, and cast in immovable stone, and my children have discernment of their own, this is MY territory.

As a father, I stand over these issues for my family. Join me. Let’s stand for our families.

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The Miracle of the Moment

Posted on July 29, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

As grown ups, we so often lose the simple joy of the moment we are in. There is so much going on that requires planning. And it is all of course legitimate. Budgeting, home maintenance, business trips, school needs, you name it, as adults we have to make some time to line our ducks up all in a row and make sure nothing collapses in a heap.

This is all very mature and reasonable. But it is also a reality that, in lining up these various ducks month after month and year after year, that we can lose our grip on a deep and mysterious gift… the moment. I think it’s important that we hold onto our ability to enjoy the moment without it being weighed down by “life in general”

Having children is a huge – and often wasted – opportunity to regain some sense of the moment. My little twins are the best in that regard. The older one is SUCH an enthusiast. This is the guy who does everything at full volume.

The other day he discovered my mobile phone, and stood up with it in his hand like that scene from Kubrick’s 2001 A Space Odyssey – the newly discovered tool. Holding it high over his head, he screamed a joyful shout at absolutely full volume. I was only 2 cm away at the time, with my eyes shut…. Trust me 🙂 I did not enjoy the moment as much as he did.

But as I then watched him, he accidentally activated Siri, and got this strange voice speaking to him. He looked at the screen excitedly and gave the exact same shout of joyful discovery. Then he saw his favourite stuffed toy, a small soft African Wild Dog, which he calls “Dog”. As in “Where de dog?”. Same shout. Same volume. Same look on the face. And the phone was ancient history.

I know that a 20 month old is pretty much a goldfish in terms of memory and attention span, but I couldn’t help wondering if we adults, constantly distracted by medium and long term priorities, lose out, sometimes, on the exquisite joy of the moment. There are very few things as precious as losing myself in a few moments with my children, and shutting out the world and its worries to be 100% there with my kidlets. Wrestles, tickles, hide and seek, singing the family song, you name it.

I am learning that there are also other moments that also deserve our full attention, that have nothing to do with kids. We can redeem our own moments, if we value the opportunity enough…

The sun rose, the other morning. Profound, I know :-). But it was profound, because on the other side of a boring “take-it-for-granted” daily event, was an absolute miracle of colour and light. And I saw it. I SAW it. I deliberately stopped my whole morning routine to enjoy it. I was watching from a window as colours played and leapt from cloud to moving cloud. There was a busy day ahead, but for 10 minutes or so, the violent salmon sky stole my attention. I forgot about it all and just enjoyed the miracle of refracted light on the clouds. I watched as commuters, busy in traffic, probably never saw a thing.

How many moments like these could we redeem if we let ourselves escape from the daily grind, long enough to capture some moments. Sometimes I thing we are too responsible and too grown up about exactly the wrong things! (My wife, often says to me as I grab the camera to video some cute toddler moment – “leave it, just enjoy the moment. Not every moment is for a camera” And she is right. I lose the moment by trying to capture it.)

 

Let’s do some stuff that can give us back the miracle of the moment.

 

Let’s walk on the beach.

Let’s climb a hill and sit still for a while, where the only sound is the breeze.

Let’s stay up late and watch the stars.

Let’s let our eyes meet across the room, and instead of seeing our partners, let’s see our lovers.

Let’s stop the fight mid-sentence, because, actually, we’d rather be kind than right.

Let’s write a hand-written love letter, and post it in an envelope with a stamp.

Let’s dream over a glass of wine.

 

Let tomorrow be. Today is full enough of things to worry about.

Scratch that. Let today be. Today also can go and get over itself.

 

Right here, right now, is a moment we all need. Let’s breath it in. Preferably hand in hand with someone precious.

  

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Who needs Peace-keepers!

Posted on July 23, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I have spent the last few weeks experiencing different people’s resilience levels, as I have journeyed with them both at work and in personal circles. If we are getting angry often, or allowing small things to frustrate us, out of proportion to their importance, there might be something here for us to chat about.

I remember once standing on exactly the same piece of ground, near a river in the mountains, in both winter and summer. In winter it was hard, hard, hard; dry and compact. In summer I arrived to spend a weekend there, and the mountain rain fell constantly. Sunday morning there was no change, the ground wet but still hard. By Sunday afternoon there was suddenly a marshland, water being squeezed out around my boots as I moved. In less than an hour, the ground had succumbed to the rising water table and given up any pretense of being solid…

We are like this, I find. Inside us all, are all the hurts and disappointments that we have accumulated over many years. Most of us are still working through the pain, or the hurt, and have not fully forgiven yet. We are getting there, but usually slower than the new inconveniences the daily grind is bringing us. This is our emotional water-table, beneath our surface.

Covering over these things is a reserve of grace, or resilience, where we can absorb the impact of lives inconveniences and people’s imperfections. Like the layer of strong earth by the river, it is covering over the emotional water-table. Slowly, all these inconveniences and impacts accumulate, though, and the emotional water-table begins to rise. On the outside, nothing changes, but inside we are less and less able to absorb the inconveniences of life graciously.

Then one day, one hour, one minute, there is all of a sudden no capacity left. We are saturated, and the inconveniences of life have left us no room to absorb any more. Our family and friends look on astonished, as something so simple as a hard-to-find car key, leaves us screaming in frustration… the emotional water-table has broken the surface and in an instant, we have gone from strong, solid and calm, to volatile and frustrated.

People place trust in our ability to absorb life’s inconveniences. All of us have these things to deal with. Unquestionably, each of us has a backstory that affects just how deep our water-table is. But we owe those around us predictability and stability. This is the stuff trust is made of.

A good friend of mine once said “Anger and violence are the last refuge of the powerless” He said that 13 years ago, I have never forgotten it. These are the recourse of someone who has no other way of dealing with their emotional bankruptcy.  

Can we bleed off the frustration before it breaks the surface? Can we become powerful again? Able to choose? Master of our own responses? I think we can. Here are some ideas:

  • Work the ground; prepare your “soil”
    • See the world and people, rightly. Don’t assume too much, or too little. One goes beyond innocence to victimhood, and the other beyond caution to cynicism. Neither are wise.
    • Accept that the world is not fair, and that everything does not balance out.
    • The world does not do things “to” us. “It” has no purpose, no devious intent. Mostly, things simply happen, and we are there, caught in the waterfall of circumstance
    • Remember the big picture – this too shall pass!

 

  • Create emotional drainage.
    • We can choose our attitude and our response to every situation! The more often we choose right, the less impact a situation will have.
    • Learn to adapt our problem solving skills to each situation. One size does NOT fit all!
    • Forgive quickly and often. Don’t keep score.
    • Choose not to escalate issues. Choose to de-escalate.

 

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And yet, what we do does not define us…

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Carl Sagan said that “We are stardust”.

It’s a beautiful thought, that. It offers us a transcendence, an opportunity to romanticise about our identity, and for a brief moment in time, to be more than just 70 years of stuff. More than human. What is it about us, that seeks to be part of something greater? Something eternal and transcendent?

I wrote recently about being “nothing except what we do”. That had a context, as I am sure you were aware. The question of identity can never be answered by so mere a statement as “what we do”. What we do is laughably short term, and other peoples perceptions of what we do are coloured by everything from their own upbringing, to last night’s pizza. The context was that in a world of interconnected people, the visible and tangible and real investments we make in relationships, are a far more valuable currency than the intangible intentions we have.

But when it comes to who we actually are, the debates are endless. Of course some say we are nothing more than the product of evolution; that we are simply animals. Our genetic makeup is created by chance; by random interaction of circumstance and biology. I am not one to discount any scientific theory, but while there is mounting evidence for aspects of it, in my view there will never be enough evidence to convert the theory into fact.

The many spiritual schools of thought all contain one similarity in this regard – we are transcendent, and we are eternal. We are from before this time, and we will be after this time. A well known musician once titled an album “Beyond Nature” seeking to express musically the mystery of eternity. He said in his liner notes “Nature is mortal – we shall outlive her”. I like that. 🙂

Some say karma influences our eternal destiny, that we cycle through eternity refining our spirituality by increasing our “goodness” until we achieve “perfection”. Others say we are saved by grace – that humanity cannot be reconciled to God without Gods intervention.

Hedonism says we should enjoy the “now” because that is all there is. I guess that works for some, but given the non-negotiable of actions having inescapable consequences, hedonism is rarely fully embraced. Subtly, everyone knows that would be a very short-lived journey.

So who are we?

I have my view, and it is very specific. I am not my actions. I am not my emotions, and I am not the sum of my failures and successes. I believe I am independent of my actions, my emotions and my failures and successes. I can view these things from the outside, and I can change them.

I am a father, yes, but that is a role.
I am a husband, yes, but that is also a role.
I am an employee/entrepreneur/leader, yes, but that is also a role!
I am a friend… you get the idea.

We need to separate who we are from the roles we play. That can be very scary, as it generally is how we define ourselves. we are a good … or a bad…

We are more than that. We are people who have these roles to play, but they are not us.
Our actions make us trustworthy or not, but they are not us.
Our words make us kind or cruel, but they are not us.
Our attitudes make us pleasant or unpleasant, but they are not us.

Who we are can be discovered when no-one else is around. When the role plays are finished, and the responsibilities are done. When the world is quiet, and we are free from chores and performance obligations. There is a place inside each of us, when this outer cacophony is stilled, for long enough, that Truth speaks.

If we are one person when no-one is looking, and another when we feel we are being watched, we have a problem. A big problem. Most of us are at least a little like this. Its kind of natural. But its not right. We all need integrity of heart and purpose. A place where there are no lies. No untruths. No misrepresentations. No role playing to hide our true selves or feelings.

And we need to realise that in this place we will connect with our Source. And through connecting with our Source, we can become what we were intended to be. For me my Source is a Person, and a deeply personal One-on-one relationship. For others is it something else. We will discover we are precious. And beautiful. Loving, and gentle. And humble, and patient and kind. Gracious and peace loving, faithful and true. And irrepressibly joyful.

If we are not those things, then we have allowed them to be stolen from us, or in many cases, they were stolen from us before we had a chance to protect them from being stolen.

Lets get them back.

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We are nothing but what we do.

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I remember hearing once that “We judge ourselves by our intentions, but other people by their actions” As much as I hate to admit it, I have seen many people – including yours truly – do this.

It’s funny that. Living inside our own skin gives us such a skewed view on the world. We see everything through the lens of what we were trying to do, and not through the lens of what we actually did. That way, if things don’t work out quite right, we can avoid the unpleasantness of failure by retreating to our good intentions.

It’s a pity the world is not so forgiving…

Something that easily demonstrates this is that old problem, procrastination. I am pretty good at this one (I joked on a website today that the way to focus in completely on the task at hand, is to procrastinate until the situation is life threatening!). … So, for example, there is something, anything, that needs doing. I have chatted to a few guys, and we don’t know why, but we all agree it is so easy to say “Yup, that needs doing. In a minute.” And then the minute goes by and becomes an hour.

By this stage our dear longsuffering wives are doing it themselves – and are NOT pleased. Our instinctive response to their query is “But I was going to do it! Soon!” It makes us feel better to fall back on our intentions. It helps us avoid the embarrassment of owning our failure bluntly and without excuses.

And they are right. That simply isn’t good enough. They are entitled, as our partners, to rely on our commitment to do something. And we, as their partners, need to honour our commitments!

What about when we say we love them, but we also enjoy looking at well toned bodies that pass by in the street? Or we secretly enjoy the sexy scenes on TV? Or we occasionally watch pornography? Or, worst case, we are actually contemplating or even having an affair?

We SAY we love them, but do we really? Or are we loving ourselves; our desires, needs and our weaknesses?

We look at our intentions – “But I love my wife! I just also need … …” and they, quite correctly, are saying “If you can’t control your instincts and protect the exclusivity of our relationship and treasure me with your eyes and body, then what you love is not me. You love yourself”

Our actions count. Not our intentions. Not. One. Bit.

What about with our children? “Sure, I will take you to the park” “Of course I will be there for your game” “Of course I’m coming to the school play”… and then we don’t. The reason doesn’t matter. From their perspective we didn’t come. We can justify it with work, traffic, you name it, we have the reasons lined up.

But our actions count. Not our intentions.

What about the workplace? “Yes, I’ll get that done by the deadline.” Then other work creeps in, or a long lunch, or we lose time trawling social media sites at work, and then the deadline gets missed. Then we don’t get the promotion or the raise and we complain?

Our actions count. Not our intentions.

If we really want to leave a legacy in our families and in our workplace, then what we DO is far more important than what we intend to do. And if we look at ourselves through other people’s eyes, and we don’t let ourselves make any excuses, we will see what we actually are in the eyes of others. I would like to be known as a promise keeper. I have some ways to go, but that is my goal. I want my intentions, and my actions, to be the same.

I want integrity.

So from now on I am going to judge myself by my actions, not my intentions.

Let’s look at our ACTIONS to measure our integrity, not our intentions. We may not like what we see, but at least, with some honesty, we can make a start in the right direction.

Blessings…

Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth, Work | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

What is better than getting what we want? Getting what we NEED…

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Today in the workplace I was yet again exposed to the not-so-gentle art of manipulation.

It has taken me a long time to realise that people who manipulate should be pitied, not criticised or judged. It was very easy, when I first realised what manipulation was about and how it was used, to be very angry at it and those who employed it as a tactic. If offended my sense of fair play. But manipulators are mostly (not always, but mostly) simply people with a inadequate set of choices about how to deal with situations.

There are those for whom manipulation is a deliberate choice, and they are to be pitied and avoided, and if possible exposed. But, mostly, manipulation is just a way of interacting, of getting things done, and we all have our own ways of doing that.

Why should manipulators be pitied? Well, quite simply, they are missing out on the most beautiful part of being alive! There is a particular joy, and excitement in every day interactions that you cannot share, if your default setting is to manipulate. Our interactions should be for mutual benefit and mutual gain. That mutuality is key to the most amazing opportunities to discover and enjoy people and the world around us! Manipulators, by definition are lonely people. They have lost out on the most incredible source of joy – the privilege of another person’s time, support, and willing engagement.

If we manipulate, yes we might get what we want, but we won’t get what we NEED. And what we need is the gift of each other. People who DON”T manipulate run the constant risk that they might not get what they want. But, actually, that’s OK. People who don’t manipulate learn to trust; to sow in order to reap; to protect goodwill as a valuable interpersonal asset, and – most importantly – to co-exist comfortably in a world that they do not dominate. This requires compromise and collaboration, and instantly makes us into nicer people.

What is manipulation? Well the dictionary says it is “skilful or artful management” Quite frankly that definition disgusts me. I get the feeling it was written by a manipulator! Another more preferable definition is “Shrewd or devious management, especially for one’s own advantage”.

Over time, I have come to realise that the deep seated desire of a manipulator is to remove the other person’s ability to say “no”. Pure and simple, the idea is to make sure that when decision time comes, no-one can successfully object to the way YOU want things done. It happens everywhere, at work, in friendships and in marriage.

The moment one person seeks to gain something without an equal quid pro quo, its manipulation.

Often there is an element of withholding, of hiding or massaging the truth, permitting half truths and allowing incorrect or incomplete assumptions to be made. That is why the word “devious” was used above. Lawyers are skilled manipulators when cross-examining a witness – it is a recognised and acceptable legal tool for digging out truth that is being deliberately hidden.

Politicians are very shrewd manipulators, and this is probably not so good. The almost religious worship of and quest for power in politics often undermines the foundation on which they are given power – the well being of society and the people.

Manipulators also get other people to be in the line of fire. They make sure the benefits come to them, but the risk is carried by other people.

Manipulation is often a symptom of a dry and desolate spirit, an inability to engage as an equal. It is a joyless practice, where the only reward is getting what we want. And when we only get what we want, we miss out on so, so much of what we actually need.

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Being Unpopular

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

My little ones don’t like going to sleep. Going to bed? Fine. Happy as Larry. But the sleep part? Not so popular…

We can often have 2 kids egging each other on, and refusing to get some shut-eye, 2 hours after putting them to bed! For all the reasons we parents understand, it’s not ok that they do this. As a dad, it’s my job to sort it out.

Various strategies have not worked. I have appealed to their consciences (Ok, stop laughing). I have appealed to their sense of responsibility. I have withheld treats and goodies. I have appealed to their emotions. Nothing works. I have even got them up an hour earlier in the morning so they can be really tired and realise they should have got to bed earlier… (call me a short-sighted masochist)

So eventually I threatened to remove all the light-bulbs in their room, so that they could not run around after bed-time. This caused banshee wails of “You’re HORRIBLE, daddy” and tearful recriminations of “If we are scared, how will we be able to come for help if we can’t see where we are going?”

So I relented. But they did. And again. So eventually it was time to follow through on my threat. And I felt so horrible! I felt like I was betraying their trust, pushing them into a fearful situation. The night I did it I felt so ugly and unkind. But staying true to our words is vital… so I did it.

“The unpopular person”

It’s not a role most of us are comfortable with.

It’s a role almost all of us are thrust into by both parenthood, and also very often as a leader/manager in the work environment. I have often been in this position as a Human Resources Manager. When it first happened, my default setting was, of course, to try and avoid being unpopular. Who wants to be unpopular, anyway?

But I quickly realised that that is part of the package, and that the onus was on me to be ready for those moments.

It is important to be prepared in advance. Many of us are (in some small way) guided by perceptions, and this can be a potential weakness. The fact that our roles often require us to be in a position where others can choose to dislike us, creates tension for us; and this can quickly lead to a tendency to avoid those decisions and situations. That in turn compromises our ability to do well, what is required of us.

So how do we get prepared for these awkward situations and become accustomed, even if never comfortable, with being disliked or unpopular? A couple of ideas:

  • Have a clear vision of what we are trying to achieve.
  • Own our responsibility to be the one getting that done.
  • Be able to communicate the goal – firstly to yourself, but then to everyone else. It’s good to remember Einstein’s words: “If you can’t explain it clearly to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself”
  • Take the time to appreciate how the news probably looks and feels to the receiver
  • At the very least, WE must be comfortable internally that there is a coherent and meaningful link between what we want eventually and why we are doing this, now!
  • Talk it through at the receiver’s level. If talking to kids, get down to their eye level and choose the right body language.

The fact is we are not trying to be popular. We are trying to get something important done, without unnecessary unkindness and fall-out. But we need to stick to the task at hand. Being unpopular is just a very small – and very temporary – part of a very fulfilling role, for both parents and managers.

(One week on, no-one even asks about the light bulbs any more)

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The “Family-Centred Child” Model

Posted on July 3, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I mentioned in a recent post the concept of the “family-centred child”. The opposite concept is that of the “child-centred family”. I thought I would revisit this to explain a bit more about what we as a family understand by these concepts, and how we are implementing our choice. We came across this idea from a wise friend with his own great family.

The home of a child-centred family is one where the children become the centre of attention, and remains so beyond the baby years. In this family the family structures itself unconsciously around the needs and schedules of the child, to try and not inconvenience the child. The parents/family adapt themselves to ensure that the child is prioritised as much as possible and suffers OTHER inconveniences to do so.

The home of a family-centred child is one where the child is welcomed into a family that already exists (a husband and a wife ARE a family already!) and already has an established identity, values and priorities. The child takes up their place as a new member of the family and joins the family in following its values, and its routines and priorities, in spite of any inconvenience to the child in doing so! While obviously some adaptations are made for the child, the priority is the family, its values, and the best outcome for ALL members of the clan, not just the child concerned.

We as a family believe implicitly that the only wise and sustainable choice for parents, and the most likely system to create well rounded and socially mature individuals, is the family-centred child model. It is the family “DNA” we have chosen to learn, and to try to impart to our children and through them to their future children (our grandkids… yikes!).  

To be fair, all families are a blend of the two, and not completely one or the other. Also, it’s very important to clarify there is no desire to paint the child-centred family as not having the child’s best interests at heart.

At the end of the day, this is all about what we believe is a wise allocation of resources and time for us as parents, and a vision of the best possible “normal” we want to create for a child. It’s personal for everyone, and I respect that.

In the home of a family-centred child, the idea is that the BEST structure for a child is one that is sustainable and consistent, and gives them a pre-ordained place, and a context in the world. This context is the family, which they join as the newest member. And they have a place in that loving family appropriate to their age and their needs.

They are under the loving and caring leadership and stewardship of their parents, who deliberately prioritise for the whole family based on their vision of the best use of time and resources for the whole family. The family is a team, with many players. All contribute to each other’s world, and all receive the benefits of this.

The priorities are determined largely by the parents, with the following in mind, as far as we can see:

–          As far as possible, the family needs rested and functional parents with capacity to contribute quality time and energy

 –          Established values and priorities determine the focus of each day, and determine how any conflict will be resolved. (And there will be conflict, so the values need to be clear and taught repeatedly so the context is always understood)

 –          Children are happiest and most secure with structure, boundaries, well communicated expectations and guidelines

 –          The child understands and is willing to suffer some inconvenience – with a good attitude – for the greater good of the family (and the parents are unapologetic about that) Attitude is important, and is a value we pursue.

 –          There are consequences for misbehaviour, and for attempts to manipulate priorities.

 –          Sowing and reaping are core values – as a child sows, so it will reap (Significantly, this is better modelled by the parents than preached from a soapbox)

 –          We live by the “golden rule” – Do to others as you want them to do to you

 –          The development of the children is a priority, but elective things like extramural activities take place in the context of the wise use of available time and resources. This includes time to relax and play; and includes space for parents to recover and replenish their own resources.

 –          Each family member is entitled to at least an equal or fair share of the family’s time and resources, and to share graciously of their own time and resources (ok, toys!) for the benefit of others.

 –          Children have the responsibility to contribute, appropriately to age and maturity, to the family and household needs (like tidying up after themselves).

What does all of this look like in reality?

We are still busy learning and building it for ourselves, so we are certainly no experts and we probably have more examples of how it should NOT look, than vice versa  🙂 .

Being such a work in progress, and still so very early in the parenting stages, I would prefer to draw on examples of what I have seen from other marriages and families (Obviously these are not exclusive only to “family-centred child” models but they are consistent at least in the families I am thinking of)

–          Parents with huge capacity to give and be generous with their time, sowing into community work, social work, and other families

 –          Families enjoying a high level of social interaction and friendships, always able to offer and accept invites.

 –          Children are low maintenance, easily satisfied and contented with what they have, where they are, and who they are with.

 –          Good social skills – both the parents and the children are inclusive and gracious with others.

 –          Conversations are less about the children, and their issues, and more about other people and other issues.

 –          Children cope with change better and are flexible.

  

What are your thoughts on this? I would love to hear from you.

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Emotional Consistency – A Safe Place for the Little Ones…

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I have discovered I am generally in danger of being either too kind, or too harsh, and I struggle naturally to find the balance. It takes constant effort and requires my on-going attention and caution. This is a source of great frustration for me. It affects my relationship with my wife, and as they are more vulnerable, it especially affects my relationship with my kidlets.

It’s easy to blame culture (I am an ex-South African – and we are somewhat notorious for tending towards an authoritarian approach to life) or upbringing (I grew up in a fair but strongly disciplinarian home – so it’s my “normal”). It’s also possible to blame stress levels, and a myriad of other possible causes…

Although opinion is somewhat divided on this, I do believe that the reason for why we are like we are, is important – it helps to know where we have come from to make the changes necessary going forward. That said; getting lost in the past and blaming the past is extremely unhelpful – it is, after all, only a possible reason for some current behaviour, not an excuse for it. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it clearer.

Much, much more important, are the choices we make about the future. As Dads, we constantly exert an influence on our children. Constantly, constantly, constantly. Did I mention constantly?

One of our key roles is to give our children roots and wings. The opportunity to be free of the shackles that bound us. This HAS to be a deliberate daily choice, because we will pass them on automatically if we don’t deliberately choose not to! This is one of those situations where a lack of decision is itself a decision. Burying our heads in the sand just makes our kids as hamstrung as we were. They might act it out differently, but it will have the same root cause.

This is quite a vulnerable post for me – I am so much a work in progress in this area… confession time!

I hate that I sometimes struggle to maintain consistent emotional balance when they are being disobedient or trying. Usually it’s at the unfortunate intersection of my tiredness, or stress, and their disobedience…

Definitely it pains me that they sometimes see two dads – cuddly dad and stern dad, and I would hate to be them. Trying to make sense of their little world with such conflicting behaviour coming from one of the two most powerful influences in their lives…. Children need consistency to be secure.

We underestimate the power of our portrayals, and we as so engrossed in how our world feels,  we ignore or  overestimate their emotional resilience.

It’s all about emotional safety. My wife and I have talked about this and it is a seriously important part of building our home life. With a busy work life, and limited time available for me to build the kind of family relationships we want, we want the time I do have to count well. We have identified the issues and have discussed ways of improving things.

Every day I ask myself what I have done to build consistency and security in my home, and because the question is asked every day, I am getting better at doing it. But I certainly have a long way to go. The biggest motivating factor for me is that every day I also ask the question – is their world emotionally and spiritually safer because of my behaviour today?

What are some rough ideas of the important ideas to work on to bring consistency into the home? (these answers might change as the kids grow older and more able to process things – this is for a family of young children and toddlers)

  • Some things are not theirs to carry. For example, I don’t believe we should ever say to our kids, even if we are financially tight, that “We cannot afford it”. Financial battles are not theirs to carry. Why give them an insecurity or a problem they cannot deal with or resolve? There is time for those realities.  Much better to choose a reason or a distraction that is neutral – “no time”, or “Lets rather go meet mommy” or something.
  • Some things have no place in their world. Yes honesty is important. But I will never forget seeing my parents fight, and running in fear to hide in the garden hoping that if they thought I had run away they would look for me together and forget that they were fighting… Never ever can we make our children powerless observers or – even worse, force them to take sides – in our conflicts.
  • Some things must be compartmentalised. Workplace stress is something that at all costs we should keep from our home environment. I am not the best “compartmentaliser”, I have to say – this one is a biggie for me. It helps a bit that I use the commute home on my motorbike to temporally separate work and home. Other areas, like marital stress, financial stress, these all need to be securely managed so that the children are protected. A rocky path emotionally might feel “normal” to some, but it is not a “normal” I ever want for my children!
  • Some things must be demonstrated. There are things that need to be made certain for a little one; things that help them to establish a sense of stability in the world they have. One of those is seeing parents work as a team, communicating kindly and with grace under stress. They need to see affection. They need to see discipline and respect. They need to see that they are important and will be heard, loved and included.
  • Everything is a choice. If we put something else in front of them, they know. And they remember. We must choose and maintain their place in our world. As my wife gently reminds me every now and then… “Stop parenting from behind your smart-phone!” Ouch. (But you guys would never do that.)
  • Promises must be kept. A promise is not just an “I promise you that…” A promise to a child is any commitment. “I think we might find time to fly a kite on Saturday” is not a maybe, like it is to us. It is a definite promise of a time of wonder and adventure, stored away with great anticipation and excitement – and a little heart will be devastated if we treat it as a minor priority, negotiable at will…

 

 So, that’s my priority list. What’s yours?

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Forgiveness and Consequences

Posted on July 1, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I am the somewhat terrified senior occupant of an increasingly maniacal household of cat-fur-pullers, food-tossers, electric cable pullers, and table-top bungee experts.

My beautiful daughter, the oldest, is about to turn 6, and then there is an awesome 4 year old and his two adventurous sidekicks, the twins aged 20 months. Don’t get me wrong, life is 100% joy and privilege, but painting the above picture gives you an idea of an average day – and that’s just my evenings after work. It’s truly astonishing what my wife copes with.

Occasionally the behaviour is not just cute or adventurous, and it crosses a line that we have drawn in the sand. We have decided that the simple framework we will create for ourselves (not our idea originally, but very wise) is to create “family-centred children” as opposed to a “child-centred family”. The simple way we express this to our children is with the words “In our family, we…”

This is the guideline by which we regulate behaviour and on occasion, exercise discipline. As a family, we have set certain values, and when behaviour does not align with these values, we explain the problem using those words as a prefix.

It’s important to clarify the tone of that statement. The tone is absolutely not “in our family…” the tone is very much “In our family…” It is so easy to sound judgemental, and I ask you not to hear that in the tone of these words.

Our goal is to give our children a clear place in the world that in a simple way reflects accurately the reality of the real world – the existence of values such as respect, responsibilities, boundaries, consequences, teamwork, privileges, social acceptability, and behavioural absolutes.

We don’t believe you can start too young with this – the later you start, the more there is to unlearn!

For example, when a child refuses to eat dinner, the statement goes something like “In our family, we eat what is put in front of us. If we don’t, it shows disrespect to mommy and to our family. If you show disrespect, you will…” and then the potential consequence is laid out.

Anyway, eventually order is restored, and as part of restoration, in our family an apology must be offered. Naturally the child is seeking full and immediate restoration of intimacy – which is guaranteed – but ALSO the immediate restoration of full privileges and rights. This is more of a debate for us.

There are consequences to actions, and forgiveness does not necessarily undo the consequences of actions. Consequences are crucial for the learning of lessons. For example, I have seen children who have learned that as long as you apologise, you get out of trouble AND you get the treat.  

The other day a young kid attacked one of my much smaller twins because my little guy was in the toy car that he wanted. He pulled his hair and pushed him over, before I could get there to stop it. The father of this young kid came over, told him it was wrong and the young kid then said “Sorry”.

My little man was in my arms getting a comforting hug, and the bully then took the toy car and rode away on it? And his father was OK with that! Not 30 minutes later I saw him very deliberately pull exactly the same trick to bully another toy off another little kidlet. And he was again successful, without any consequence other than the required apology.

This is the effect of an apology resulting in forgiveness, and forgiveness resulting in the annulment of consequences. I believe firmly that in specific situations, consequences should endure after the granting of forgiveness, and the child must learn that although love is unaffected by behaviour, and forgiveness is complete and instant, there are still consequences to be endured. Those consequences make the wrong-doing unpleasant enough, to discourage repetition. Without consequences, all there is, is the reward of getting what you want by any means necessary!

It is a  fine line, and unless the concept of forgiveness is well understood and well communicated, intimacy is not a weapon; and restoration is immediate, the danger is that forgiveness can be viewed as conditional. Which it should NEVER EVER be.

But there are consequences for everything. And a failure to learn that is as damaging as anything else in the young life and mind of a child.

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