Blind-Spots

Posted on July 16, 2014 by Vaughan Granier

The other day I was made painfully aware of a personal shortcoming. I am sure it’s not the only one I have, but it is a biggie.

I was advised, that under extreme stress, I am not always my usual likeable self. Apparently, I become a bit intense and people around me feel some pressure. This is not ideal, and it is a blind spot. I would have said I am firm, and focussed, but I would not have thought that people would consider me less likeable. As you can imagine, this was difficult to hear, and quite disconcerting to realise it was true… The fact is, though, if it is true for someone, then it is true. We can’t shift responsibility in these situations.

I state this bluntly and honestly, because that is my style, and because I am not accustomed to looking for excuses when there are problems. I am more of a forward thinker, so my usual approach is one of “Yeah, ok, so what can I do about that?”. I forgive quickly, and I move on. No grudges, no hurt, no lingering passive-aggressive junk. It’s simply not my style. And in the case of an issue with others in the workplace, when I deal with it, I tend to hit it head on and then expect my colleagues to also robustly and confidently say “Yeah, ok, so what can I do about that?”

But my colleagues are not all built the same was as I am, and that is OK. In fact, it’s probably a very good thing! Diversity is strength, and in my case, it is having people around me who can point out my blind spots.

What I know is that my tendency in this regard is both a strength; and a weakness. It is a strength when I am dealing with myself, or when others are dealing with me. But it is a weakness when I am dealing with others.

I can take a hard, straight hit, and not even waver. I like truth, and I like it often and open. People who can work with this, never have to be frustrated or concerned that they need to politicise a message to not offend me. The down side, is that when I know that people are not telling me everything, I can become curious about WHY they are not telling me everything.

Others, who are not built like me, need a different approach. And that approach in the past, has not always been my strength, it is a learned behaviour and it requires cautious words, timing, gentleness and space. Space to think, and space to work through embarrassment or fear. For someone as robust as I, it’s a different set of gears, a different feel completely. And, apparently, I have not always easy been very good at making the adjustment.

So, in my usual style, “Yeah, ok, so what am I going to do about that?” Here is the list:

  1. Thank the person for their courage in confronting the issue, and risking my response.
  2. Take it on the chin – no excuses, no shifting blame anywhere. I can only deal with it if I own it completely. If I shift blame, I disempower myself.
  3. See myself through their eyes – honestly imagine how my actions and attitudes must look to them (not tempered with my view of my intentions at the time – a purely objective look at how I must have appeared in their eyes.
  4. Feed that back to them humbly and ask if I have understood the impact of my actions correctly.
  5. Apologise, humbly and completely.
  6. Commit to a change in behaviour
  7. Seek out an accountability relationship, where I put in place a benevolent critic. Someone with authority and permission to give me a tight slap if they see similar behaviour – or, even better – warn me if they see a situation developing so I can choose wisely.
  8. Be constantly mindful of the change I am implementing so that the habit is broken and a new habit created.

It works, and it is working. If you find yourself in any similar kind of situation, best of luck. I hope these thoughts add value.

 

Posted in Personal Growth, Work | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Energy

Posted on May 15, 2014 by Vaughan Granier

“Energy” is a “property of physical objects, transferable among them via fundamental interactions”

“Energy” is “the ability to do work”

“Energetics” – “energetics is concerned with seeking principles that accurately describe the useful and non-useful tendencies of energy flows”

Our personal energy is the energy we have within ourselves to do well, all the things we need to do or want to do.

Energy is a finite resource in physics, and this is true overall. But as individuals, we control the amount of personal energy we have; and our lifestyles and attitudes dictate that to a large extent.

Some people have extreme amounts of energy in comparison to others, usually, if not always, that can be tracked to lifestyle choices, and only in a few cases comparatively, to highly disciplined attitudes or the pursuit of a personal passion.

Energy in humans comes from 4 main areas:

  • Body – Physical Energy
  • Emotions – Quality of Energy
  • Mind – Focus of Energy
  • Spirit – Purpose of Energy

For teams, this seems to reverse in order

Energy in Teams, comes from:

  • Alignment – Purpose of Energy
  • Clarity & Communication – Focus of Energy
  • Trust – Quality of Energy
  • Synergy (People and Systems) – Physical Energy

Energy is deliberately created in our lives, and if this is neglected, energy will fade. The same goes for teams – energy is deliberately created in teams, and if not specifically attended to regularly and consciously, energy will fade. So how do we govern our bodies, emotions, minds and spirits to keep our energy levels right?

Body

  • Sleep
  • Small meals more often
  • Exercise

Emotions

  • Awareness
  • Space
  • Gratitude
  • Giving

Mind

  • Time management
  • Prioritise the task (Avoid distractions like email, noisy spaces, phones, social media)
  • Prioritise the person

Spirit

  • Focus on what we love, and what we do well (can be different)
  • Personal balance – where you are, be all there
  • Live by values

Energetics – transferring and communicating energy

We absorb and give energy constantly to those around us.

Someone who is always finding fault, or making excuses, playing politics, or making a process harder than it needs to be is sucking energy out of their team, and out of the poor person who has to deal with them.

Someone who is proactive, delivers on time and to expectations, (or owns and fixes their mistakes without ego)  and refuses to play politics, is adding value and energy to their team, and to the lucky person who has to deal with them!

Someone who cannot manage their negative emotions, is sucking the life out of the team and the people around them.

Someone who always has time and a smile for others, even under stress, is adding energy to the team.

The examples are endless. And obvious.

As a team leader, we are responsible for the energy levels in our team – without great energy levels, our team will:

  • Miss deadlines.
  • Make excuses.
  • Be error prone.
  • Be ok with that.

We can improve energy levels in our team members with some leadership disciplines that focus on the following:

  • Strengthening a sense of purpose and accountability
  • Preventing isolation and a lack of awareness
  • Removing obstacles
  • Ensuring that processes and systems serve the people, not the other way around

If our energy is down, what can we do?

  • Take time out to refocus (give ourselves privacy to deal with it, and space to make clear choices)
  • Choose our attitude (it’s not instant, but we can rebuild our mood)
  • Choose our emotions (slow down our responses and be deliberate about them)
  • Prioritise and plan activities, and do them well (getting stuff done sends the right message to ourselves and anyone watching)

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

8 simple ways to reduce stress

Posted on April 1, 2014 by Vaughan Granier

I have a few bad habits that can easily increase my stress levels, and a large part of managing my emotional and mental well-being is in dealing with these bad habits and other things, that add stress to what could otherwise be a relatively simple existence.

Stress complicates stuff and tears our attention away from the truly important, to the things we have allowed to become problematic.

Life is complicated, and plenty times my stress-management plans become derailed. But just being aware of these strategies means I build into my thinking a habit of looking for ways to reduce stress. Not by being lazy – by being purposeful about it. Working hard to be stress free is not a contradiction in terms. They actually go together quite nicely.

Here is my basic list of stress management ideas:

  1. Stop procrastinating on the big stuff. There is nothing more satisfying and stress relieving than crossing something big off the to-do list. And its important to stop the important stuff from becoming urgent as well. Often getting to this stuff requires planning and prioritizing, so
  2. Plan your time better. Deliberately build in buffer zones for unexpected things. My wife usually under-estimates the time it takes to get things done. She often stresses about punctuality. I have big buffer zones. I don’t. I am willing to get up earlier, and rush a routine, to create a buffer zone. (with 4 kids, the unexpected is kind of to be expected!)
  3. Make time for connecting, even – especially – in a crisis. Tasks and to-do lists are NEVER more important than the people you are with. Staying connected and not task oriented, keeps things in perspective. A hug takes 10 seconds, a friendly greeting and a smile even less, and a touch in passing, just an instant. But the reward in positive, caring strong relationships means that when the chips are down, people will assume the best and help you through.
  4. Do something generous for someone. Doing things like that is a big part of us feeling good about ourselves, and it’s a great feeling to have a positive emotional bank balance.
  5. Of course, exercise. I dislike gym and running, but I love working in the garden or building stuff. Real effort makes us tired and sore, but it’s a good tired and a good sore.
  6. If someone is being incessantly negative, get rid of them. Unless it’s your spouse or kid, then see below.
  7. If your close relationships are stressful, be the first to give up your right to be right. Take up the responsibility and the privilege of being connected and in tune with the other person. Use the breathing space that creates to step back and figure out how to deal with the problem.
  8. Make sure the components of a relationship are in balance. Amongst other things, marriages need quality time, genuine caring, humour, doing your bit round the house, conversations, and yes, sex. If any one of these is out of balance, it puts pressure on the relationship.
Posted in Family, Marriage, Personal Growth, Uncategorized, Work | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

There are no definitive statistics but the Internet and a few folks in the business that I know put the success of change initiatives in the low percentages – like, 15% or so. That means 85% of the not inconsiderable energy and resources that we invest in change, are entirely wasted!

In most industries, that would put that particular practitioner out of business, unless they have the charm and guile of a snake-oil merchant. But in HR, that is a quietly ignored statistic. Primarily, I suspect, because it is very easy to change an org chart and move some reporting lines and desks around, but that isn’t really change management, is it? More often than not, if that is how we do it, that is closer to shifting deck chairs on the Titanic.

Also, I think, because the eventual decisions are made by line management, we in HR get to do what they say, and they are accountable for the results of the change. But that is a negative on two levels. Firstly, we in HR are in the position to help make good decisions, and secondly we are the resident experts who can guide the process towards maximum possible success. And to be honest, I don’t like the idea of being tagged with only 15%. It’s not a badge I want to wear, let alone wear with any semblance of pride!

images-2

I am a motorcyclist, and I think there are two important factors in safe motorcycle riding that can provide interesting metaphors for the change process. This is not to say success rests in these two alone, but they are interesting perspectives and may help us to realise a few things. One is very counter-intuitive, and one very obvious.

First, the counter-intuitive thing.

When steering a motorcycle, you cannot look at the object you are trying to avoid. You will hit it. You have to look PAST it, to the clear space that you want to be in. It’s a question of balance, and of the tried and tested fact that when on two wheels, you hit the thing you are looking at, even if you are trying to avoid it. It is known as object / target fixation. So, to ride safely, we should never look at the obstacle, only at the destination.

That is not to say we should ignore it, and this is perhaps the most important part of this thought… we need to know exactly where that object is, and where we are, and know intimately the path our motorcycle will ride to navigate the obstacle. But we can’t look at it to the exclusion of everything else. That means we should plan ahead, and pick a course in advance, that will see us safely through the obstacles.

When it is unplanned though, instincts often kick in and we focus with all we have on the new danger. That is how most motorcyclists have an accident. As usual, it’s not what they planned for, it’s what they didn’t plan for. And, as usual, it’s our natural instinct to focus on a problem, rather than on the clear road on the other side.

Secondly, the obvious thing.

Speed differential. I was talking to an ex-racer the other day and he said that the most important aspect of road safety is your speed differential. That basically means you can do whatever speed you want, as long as your difference in speed relative to your dangers is minimal. His example was in freeway riding, and coming up to a group of cars (they do tend to bunch together). If you keep doing 200km/hr (his words), chances are you will kill yourself pretty quickly trying to pass a bunch of cars doing 120km/h. But, if you slow down around those cars – reducing your speed differential – you can navigate safely and then speed up again once you are through the obstacle.

It’s so obvious it’s almost not worth mentioning, and yet there are countless examples of motorcyclists who forget it and are horribly injured when they run out of road at high-speed. Trust me, as a law-abiding motorcyclist, both of these ideas ring very true and they work.

Back to change management.

I would suggest that the first example can be used to discover an important ingredient of successful change – persistence. It’s about having a clear goal that you are trying to achieve, and not being distracted onto smaller issues that threaten to derail a bigger process. It’s where our attention lies that our energy will be spent.

So the idea is to prepare for obstacles, to plan for them, and to manage the course of change so that we are not giving those obstacles more value than they are worth. Notice them in plenty of time, assess them, and chart your course accordingly. But never EVER look at them. Especially whilst in the middle of something important. Give energy to the big picture, to the overall plan, and keep the attention of the team on that.

Even if you have to allocate responsibility for resolving an important issue to someone, keep that issue in context by keeping the main thing, the main thing. And the main thing is not the obstacle. It is the successful navigation towards the eventual goal.

And the second example is a bigger factor, I think, than most of us realise. People embrace change at different rates. But most companies do change at one speed only, and that is usually the speed of the CEO. The problem is, he is not implementing change. He’s the guy with the fancy ideas, and it’s a lot of other people who are actually going to DO the actual implementation of change.

And when change falters and crumbles, and splinters, and wanders off track, no-one asks the simple question. How was our speed differential? Did we try to make people move too fast? Did we communicate well and work through issues meaningfully so that other people’s change velocity increased? And did we temper our speed until they were comfortable? Whats the main goal here, fast, or effective?

Did they become more comfortable with big steps, and learn to balance by themselves in the midst of change, or did they fall over taking baby steps in a hurricane of transition? It is the CEO and the change managers responsibility to look at and understand the likely speed differentials of different parts of the business relative to the overall transition, and figure out what needs to be done so that the business moves cohesively or at least with some co-ordination and forethought, between milestones.

Successful change happens at an optimum speed – and it’s not the speed of the fastest moving part. The right speed is different for each organisation. And it takes an effort to find it, and commitment and persistence to keep it on track.

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Vaughan Granier | 1 Comment

A Safe Place?

Posted on November 12, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

They say a ship is safe in the harbour, but a ship is not built for the harbour, it is built for the open sea… They also say one cannot discover uncharted shores, unless one loses sight of one’s familiar shore. Platitudes. Or maybe… truths?

Sounds like a few people – maybe more than a few – say safety is overrated. That a journey without risk is no journey at all.

But a desire for safety is in all of us, and if I look at my own life I would have to say there is a deep desire for safety. This from the bungee jumper / skydiver / adrenalin junkie dude… But the safety I seek, at this stage of my life, is not physical safety. I still love the rush of adrenalin, new things and adventure.

The safety I am drawn towards more and more as I journey through life, is emotional safety. I suspect I might not be alone in this…

Marriage, I think, is possibly (and very romantically) viewed by many single people as the pinnacle of emotional safety. “Finally,” the single person imagines, “Someone will be committed to me forever. No more dating, no more rejection, no more seeking approval, no more searching for affirmation. Finally someone will find and appreciate the beauty that I know is inside me and love me for who I am.”

Fanciful maybe? But deep down, most, if not all of the people I have called friends through the years, have hinted at these things. From the cool alpha-males, to the nerds, to the outcasts and the players. The list was pretty much the same.

But is marriage guaranteed to be an emotionally safe place? Can it ever be a really safe place? There are probably many answers to that question, all different. I guess you might be able to tell a lot about a person’s marriage by their answer to that question. Or – and this is maybe my point – not so much about a persons marriage, as about the person they have become, and perhaps the example of marriage they come FROM…

What seems to me is that marriage is not capable of being a permanently safe place. The only safe place emotionally for a human being, really, is the womb! Anywhere other than that, safety is primarily a function of from where we get our identity and who we make ourselves vulnerable to. And we are all flawed…

Some questions I have begun to consider lately:

  • If our sense of personal identity depends on anyone else, can we really be emotionally safe?
  • If our happiness / joy /  depends on someone else’s happiness, can we really ever be emotionally safe?
  • What makes someone happy / joyful? How can we be happy / joyful in ourselves and be resourced within ourselves to stay happy and joyful, regardless?

My wife and I are responsible for building a marriage in which we, and our children, can thrive. Not “cope”. Thrive. If anything, that is the primary outcome we desire. The challenge for us, is that we need to do this for them, while discovering all the while that emotional safety for ourselves is simply not guaranteed. It’s a moving goal, and as often as we manage to grab hold of it, it also slips through our desperate fingers and disappears from sight for a while.

Emotional safety is a real, and legitimate need. But. It must be worked on by two willing parties. And not parties wanting first to secure their own safety. That is childish, and selfish, and it will never work. It turns a relationship into a tug-of-war and a blame fest. And it can’t be worked on by only one person in a relationship.

A marriage that is a place where both adults and children can thrive, is a marriage where husband and wife are wanting the other partner to be emotionally safe. And that means, understanding what makes them feel safe, and doing what it takes to make them feel emotionally safe.

Emotional safety comes from a sense of trust – that the other person is in our corner and knows what we need, whether we are asking for it or not. We CAN’T talk our way into this, or out of it when we stuff up. We can ONLY behave our way into trust. 

I’m not trying to be controversial or anything here – just throwing concepts out that might strike a chord (or a nerve). And mixing up the gender so that it’s a universal thing.

  • If punctuality makes them feel loved and emotionally safe, be punctual.
  • If genuine praise is needed to feel loved and appreciated, praise genuinely.
  • If promise need to be kept to the letter, then make only promises that can be kept, and keep every promise to the letter.
  • If needs are unclear, and can’t be known without help, find a way to clarify.
  • If a disciplined self-starter is needed, be a disciplined self-starter.
  • If honest and quick forgiveness is needed (as we all do, frequently…) find a way to forgive quickly and let them know.
  • If compliments, or conversation, are important, learn how to do it.
  • If good communication is importnat, be a good communicator.
  • If personal hygiene needs improving, improve it.
  • If clear direction and help is needed in remembering things, (my own particular challenge :-/) then be ok with repeating yourself
  • If inclusiveness is needed, be inclusive.

As a man on a journey, I certainly have some personal challenges to face in figuring out some of this stuff. If you do too, then we are not alone. We are all at different places, there is no carbon copy solution here. But, no matter what, our children and partners don’t deserve to become victims of brokenness, inadequate coping mechanisms, and the tragedy of hollow marriages.

They deserve the absolute best we can create for them.

Posted in Family, Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Place in the World.

Posted on November 11, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

A few weeks ago, my father and I built a fence to make a play area safe from a potential fall down a bank. The first post was easy, and the second as well. No problem… The third post, however, was the one that made all the difference. It was the one that created a line; a pattern, a prediction of where the next post was supposed to be… Or not…  Given that we were building a curved fence, lets just say it took a while to get it right!

This reminded me of something I have been thinking about, with families.

We live apart from both sets of parents, and live 90% of our lives as a small family unit, just like we did overseas. Just us parents, and our children.

In the Middle East (Abu Dhabi and Dubai), one of the realities of life there, is that the families are only two generations strong. Every expat family is parents and children only… something was missing. The third generation. And we all felt it.

It was a privilege recently when my parents arrived for a long stay with us. For the first time as a father, my father was with me, and my children. My mother was here, alongside my wife and my children. And we were together long enough to remember old rhythms, old jokes, and old routines, and pick up old habits like we never forgot them.

3 generations in one house, for just a little while.

My dad and I fell quickly into an easy rhythm – working in the garage together, building a workbench and a woodworking area. Putting up a fence together. Having a few beers in the evening. Talking about all sorts. Woodworking, sports, marriage, family, South Africa, New Zealand. This time, though, my four year old boy was there at my side, asking his usual machine-gun like questions, changing topics and constantly and asking “Why?” “How?” etc.

My wife’s parents also have visited us often and the same dynamic is there. My son loves working with Poppa, asking questions, carrying tools, sprouting 4-year-old theories about life, the universe and everything. One of my favourite pictures is of him wearing an adult tool-belt just like Poppa’s (even though it was more like a full length suit of armour!)

The beauty has lain in being able to say “Boompa (our children’s name for my dad) and I did this when I was your age too”; and in watching my father teach my son the same things he taught me… telling the same stories, giving the same pointers. I could see my son connecting the dots and, well, becoming the third pole in the ground. Realising that Dad came from somewhere, and dad’s dad came from somewhere too.

All of a sudden, the world got older, richer, bigger and deeper, and his limited exposure to family, became far more profound and meaningful. His place in the world just got a whole new context.

It was also awesome seeing my young children run for hugs; proudly show new toys, and play hide and seek with the awesome familiarity of family. Completely secure, happy and at ease. With some sadness behind my smiles, the only words I could think of were “This is what family is meant to be like”.

Grandparents are just parents, to us. But to our children they are a mysterious mixture of family and history. They are a window into a time in OUR lives that is not often discussed. The time when we were their age. When we had parents just like they do now.

I don’t now how many of you out there have children who could – but don’t – spend quality time with their grandparents. Maybe it’s a distance thing, like for us. And there’s not much you can do about that.

But maybe its something else, and its your choice, or your parents choice. Or just laziness or busyness, or the old classic “in-law” dynamic.

If the longing in my heart for closer connection between my parents and my children is true for you, lets get those relationships going. Grandparents are awesome. And grandchildren are so very good for grandparents too. There is something so special about what has gone before, reaching out and touching what is coming after.

Posted in Family | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

20 things I have learned from marriage so far

Posted on November 1, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

I have learned that my wife’s trust is a thing never deserved but graciously given. And it must be nurtured like a fragile flower or it retreats to safety.

I learned that creating a new normal for us was hard, and that it takes everything we have to let go of our pasts.

I learned that expectations are a recipe for disappointment. And yet they are also a call to excellence. They are to be held lightly but pursued vigorously.

I learned that failure is a constant, if we expect perfection. And that it is unimportant, if we are grateful for what we have.

I learned that I can speak another love language if I just try. And I can receive in that love language even though it is not my own.

I learned that I need a hobby. It can’t all be about the relationship and us and the kids. Me time is also important. It balances me out again and refreshes my soul.

I learned that I am not so good at keeping promises. But I can change.

I learned that happiness is internal and one person cannot ever give it to another. It’s a choice that anyone can make.

I learned that conflict is normal, and inevitable, and a blind pursuit of peace at all costs gets me nowhere. But if we do it right, it creates harmony… which is better than peace.

I learned that little words can carry great hopes and that it’s my job to always listen carefully. Not hearing what is being said can cause deep hurt.

I learned that I have insecurities too, and that I am often blind to them. And my wife is not…

I learned that goodness and happiness will find me, if I give myself away in service and in love.

I learned that I am neither awesome nor amazing. And yet, my wife is convinced that I am both.

I learned that getting enough sleep is very very important and waking up constantly tired can hurt a marriage.

I learned that being grateful unlocks great contentment.

I learned that frustration is the enemy of intimacy.

I learned that laying down my life Actually. Means. Exactly. That. And that I don’t like it. But it’s still the best thing I ever did.

I learned that I struggle to receive gifts, especially the gift of forgiveness.

I learned that giving myself away every day in service of something higher and bigger than me is exactly what life is all about.

I learned that once we get rid of the lie that perfection is possible, the only thing that really matters is persistence.

Posted in Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

How the barrel of a gun breathed life into me.

Posted on October 18, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

This post is a response to a beautiful post by Dr Kelly Flanagan on the Website “Untangled” (www.drkellyflanagan.com) The post is called “The only two things you’ll ever need to know about people” (http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/10/16/the-only-two-things-youll-ever-need-to-know-about-people/)

He inspired me with a  simple comment, to document something that I have not ever written down. May it bring hope.

———–

1998.

I was driving home one day in the late afternoon and had offered to drop of a friend of mine’s 12 year old daughter, Emma. I drove a white BMW 318i, at the time a highly sought after vehicle in South Africa, at least, by the hijacking fraternity…

We turned off the highway onto an access road, and a young man crossed slowly into the road and stood in front of us. Pretty much blinded by the late afternoon sun, at first I thought “Drunk pedestrian”, so I slowed to a stop. But as my eyesight cleared I saw him fiddle with something in his right hand and then he leaned over my engine hood and I was staring down the barrel of an automatic pistol. It must have been a metre from my face through the glass.

I screamed at Emma to get down. Her seatbelt was stuck, and she couldn’t get it loose. I reached over with my eyes fixed on the barrel and tried to loosen it for her. Eventually she slid under the waist belt and crouched in the footwell of the front passenger seat. She was screaming and crying. I just kept looking at the barrel of the gun.

It was shaking, and nothing was happening. He looked to the right and I knew then he was looking to other people, probably hidden in the grass. I knew, if they were not helping him, then he was probably being initiated into a gang, and his initiation was to hijack the car, and probably also to kill me. But for some reason he hadn’t done it. Then I saw him fiddle with the gun and shake it, and I realized something was wrong (or right!) and I had a small chance.

I remember clearly having to decide – do I run him over – “He deserves to die, the dog!!!”; – or do I try get away in reverse. The gun could work at any time, and I had no idea when that might happen. But I knew, no matter how much I hated him for what he was doing right then, that I would hate myself more if I killed him, or even if I tried to. I guess I found out then that I was not built for murder, even in legitimate defense. And I knew, if I died, Emma would have no chance. She would in all likelihood be raped, and then murdered too.

I hit reverse, and just about revved the pistons through the hood as I floored it backwards into the traffic. I didn’t even look. There were cars all around me, but somehow I missed them all. I watched him run after me and try to shoot again but nothing happened. Then he couldn’t get into the traffic and turned away.

Emma was terrified and sobbing. Only then did I realize just how psyched I was with all the adrenaline.  We called the police and her mom, and went somewhere to calm down, and then later we made our way home when we were able to…

On both sides of that road, were communities and families that I loved and spent much time with. Alexandria Township was – and is – a shanty town of 750 000+ people in an area 2km by 2kms. I used that road every day. Some of our church cell groups met there, our food missions delivered there, and I drove the minibus every Friday night that took children home safely after youth meetings.

My allegiances were there; my friends, and my spiritual family.

Now what?

Some people face death every day, and those I have spoken to (policemen in South Africa, for example) become inured to it. Numbed, and sadly, sometimes laissez faire. The alternative is to become a nervous wreck! Some see it every day (paramedics, or nurses) and they too can acquire a distance, a reserve that prevents them being emotionally drained by each individual case.

But Joe Average, like me? I was devastated by it. It shocked me to my core that I had faced death, and had been spared. Not just an accidental close shave. I had stared into the barrel of a gun that somebody WANTED to use, WANTED to kill me with. It revolutionized my world, tore away the veneer of safety and security that protected me and exposed my raw unpreparedness. It hollowed out my soul, and left me agonized, and violated.

Facing that personalized aggression, that callous disregard for my life, I was shaken. But, it gave me something else, far more lasting. And precious…

It changed how I saw the world. Not just how I saw the world, but how I saw the world.

It changed how I read the news, and how I felt about crime. It changed how I felt about the victims. I would read about a murder and I would see the person. Their family, their social activities, their value, their sense of humour. And then I would see that all cut off for ever by someone’s callous act.

I read about rape victims, and saw beyond the violent act that the newspapers reported, to the darkness in their world that grew and grew until it consumed them. Their loss of dignity and value, their distrust and fear.

I read about thefts, and more than just the goods taken, I felt the violation of their safe and sacred space. Someone’s security and safety, their home, where their children should be able to rest unprotected, had been penetrated and prowled through by evil, maliciousness and unkindness.

Going through that, gave me empathy for the victims of crime. It made bland details real, and gave me the ability to care deeply about total strangers in their valleys of shadows and death.

The strangest thing? I began to care about the perpetrators as well. I wondered what kind of a person could do those things. And instead of writing them off as monsters, I talked to my friends from the townships, and read books, and tried to understand objectively.

What happened to a young person so that killing a man was a reasonable thing to do, to get into a gang? What made raping a girl OK? How had those sensitivities been dulled and destroyed? And I began to see how apartheid, and broken families, absent fathers, etcetera had fed them with isolation, and fear, and loneliness, destroyed their trust and hope. My heart began to break for the broken who in turn broke others.

They were simply perpetuating their realities. And as with dysfunctional violent realities, they destroy other realities, and beat the world into submission. They perpetuate themselves by recreating the same dysfunctionality in their victims. And somehow, my own experience showed me that they were not so different. We are all broken. Some worse than others, some far, far worse than others. But we are all broken. And we break others with our brokenness.

Our only hope is people who can heal. Heal themselves when they get hurt, and heal others who are hurt. We need those beautiful healers more and more every day.

 

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Other ideas for taking your character to a gym

Posted on October 7, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

Forgive someone. Repeatedly.

Be consistent emotionally, even when storms rage inside.

Choose to lose a fight to honour the relationship

Embrace someone – including their flaws – without criticizing.

Find a way to bless the person you dislike or maybe have reservations about.

Learn to be happy completely independent of other people’s behavior.

Learn and become good at someone else’s love language.

Be the first to say sorry. Especially when you are right.

Judge yourself by your behavior not your intentions. Judge others by their intentions, not their behavior.

Make sure other people get the credit.

Clean up after someone else, and enjoy it as an act of service.

Keep promises to everybody. But especially to yourself, and don’t give yourself the luxury of an excuse.

Give up something you love, so that you can be generous with your time or money.

Sincerely compliment the team that beats your team.

Apologise to your child. On your knees and looking into their eyes.

Be kind. When they don’t deserve it.

Turn the other cheek.

Never deflect responsibility away from yourself.

Receive compliments graciously and without false humility.

Give compliments sincerely. And often.

Enjoy anonymity.

Choose truth, especially when it doesn’t make you look as good as you’d like it to.

Extend grace and love to someone who has hurt you.

 

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Finding a “gym” for our characters…

Posted on October 3, 2013 by Vaughan Granier

So, testing reveals character, and repeated testing builds character.

The same way physical testing – an exercise routine, for example – conditions our bodies for a higher and more efficient level of exertion, so mental and emotional testing can build strength and resilience in those areas for greater exertion.

I guess we might ask “so what? Why? Who cares?”

Well, that depends on what we want for ourselves.

I was listening to the radio in Brisbane this week on my travels and heard a debate on the results of a survey that indicated that only 8% of Australians are interested in self betterment in the workplace. The presenters were talking about being “happy in a rut”! The national averages in the UK, New Zealand etc. were stated as being closer to 20-25%.

That got me thinking. And first off, let me say I am NOT picking on Australians. I think even 25% is not a great number, and also the survey does not cover what is happening outside of work, so it’s not necessarily an accurate statistic overall… (As a South African-born Kiwi, I think I am doing a great job of being fair right now 🙂 )

It is widely commented that “successful people move on from unsuccessful friends and friendships”. We tend to surround ourselves with “like” people. So, maybe, “people in a rut”, also surround themselves with “people in a rut”? It’s easier. More comfortable and familiar, maybe and less challenging.

But the danger is that in giving ourselves a breather from constant growth and development, we will actually start a cycle that prevents us from ever achieving it! Success self-perpetuates, and so does a lack of success. So we need to deliberately choose what is around us, with the future in mind! We need to surround ourselves with things and people that inspire us to greater heights, that stretch us so that we grow. That don’t permit excuses.

If we take the short cut to feeling good about ourselves, by surrounding ourselves with shiny things bought on credit, and friends whom we are earning more than, and more successful than, then for a time we might enjoy some false sense of achievement. But in reality we are just making sure that our edge dulls, and our ambition fades, and our complacency erodes our capacity to overcome.

Health is not just a physical thing. In fact, health is more spiritual, mental and emotional than we probably realize. We focus on physical health because it’s more obvious and easier, and we know a bit about mental health because it get a lot of airtime nowadays. We understand staying sharp mentally, and we understand dealing with stress a bit, and we maybe even know some stuff about coping with anxiety and depression.

But the concepts of spiritual and emotional health seems foreign, even obscure and vague. What are they anyway? And how do we get them? It’s not like there are obvious spiritual and emotional “gyms” out there, where we can go stretch ourselves and grow…

And this “character” stuff?

Well, “character” is defined as “The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual”, or “The combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group, or thing from another” and lastly “Moral or ethical strength”. I like that one the best.

So character is an alloy. It is a time sensitive, heat treated blend of qualities… and it creates our mental, emotional and spiritual strength.

And we know that having character is good. It is desirable, laudable and commendable.

But we don’t start out with character. We start out with a blank slate, and we acquire character. It’s not rocket science. Character is formed like any other alloy. It takes raw material and heat – lots of heat – and time. Time for impurities to surface, and be cleansed away. In ancient times, metal was deemed pure when the craftsman could see his own reflection in the surface of the molten metal.

The dirt, contained deep within the raw ore, rises through the molten ore and sits on top, clouding the surface. After repeated melting and cleansing, there is no dirt left, and only the smooth surface of the molten metal is left. Nowadays we have all sorts of spectral analysis and hoo-hah. It works, but it lacks the poetic truth of the old ways.

Metal is placed in a fire for a purpose. The craftsman has a goal, a design, a thing of beauty he wishes to create. We have a purpose. Whoever we are, there is purpose. Maybe some of us are like the 92%, simply ok with the status quo. But we can choose to be in the 8%; each one of us, until the 8% becomes the 10%, the 15%, the 25% and then hopefully more and more until we all want more for ourselves.

We, as beautiful, wonderful people, have a responsibility to ourselves and to all the people who interact with us, to be as fit for purpose as we can be. That means, simply put, building our characters. Finding the emotional, mental and spiritual gyms where we can stretch ourselves and grow. And maybe, just maybe, they aren’t so hard to find, if we just start looking!

Her are some ideas to get us thinking about “character gyms”

Ever heard or read a news article and thought you might want to know a bit more? Go read. Find out stuff. Build up a solid, well researched opinion. Test it against others. But be gracious about it – no-one likes a know-it-all.

Ever seen a wounded person, and avoided empathy because it hurts and makes your world uncomfortable? Stop, go over, and give that person your heart. Hug them cry with them, and learn their journey. Leave them feeling not-as-alone as before. Repeat.

Ever shared your world with someone but only on your terms? Lay down your demands, and give your heart to prioritizing the other person. Maybe it’s a spouse, a child, a friend, colleague. Let your world be enriched by a diversity you have been holding out against, for fear you would be diminished by it. You will not. I promise.

Ever wondered which religion is right? Which moral viewpoint on the world is valid and which is invalid? Talk to people, become a student of perspectives and ideas. Question. Read. Build up an reasoned point of view.

We can put ourselves in a forge. We can take our own raw material, and heat it. Burn out the dirt. Become a bit more robust in our thinking, a bit more resilient in our empathy, a bit more wise in our journey. We can find our forges, and deliberately place ourselves within them. We can repeat this process until the end of time. Each time we will be better for it. Every time, our character will be refined and more precious, like gold refined in a fire.

We are all unique, and we will always be unique. That’s not the issue. But let’s be unique people who have chosen to be increasingly resilient, empathic, kind and good. More faithful and wise, today, than yesterday. And better tomorrow than today.

It’s not up to anyone else. It can’t be. Let’s choose a daily walk that builds our own character in ourselves. Then, when the fires of testing come – and they will – what is revealed will be good to see.

 

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